Lauren Kirk

The world is my oyster? But I hate oysters.

[Lauren Kirk @MiniCaptainKirk]

Watching Bob Ross paint while you're drunk is as exciting as the NBA playoffs #happylittletrees

[Lauren Kirk @MiniCaptainKirk]

Having my coworker call me a bitch and wish I would be hit by a bus has really just MADE my day. #itgivesmelife

[Lauren Kirk @MiniCaptainKirk]

Exercising restraint and self control https://t.co/i8jE5xu8XP

[Lauren Kirk @MiniCaptainKirk]

A facet of my personal hell is being forced to eat salad with a spoon

[Lauren Kirk @MiniCaptainKirk]

It's really difficult being a hopeful person and watching yourself turn into a cynic

[Lauren Kirk @MiniCaptainKirk]

Saw @illwilledFX at Trader Joe's today. Maybe this is a sign? #careerchange #blessed

[Lauren Kirk @MiniCaptainKirk]

@SimplyScott1 Answer: Time is irrelevant

[Lauren Kirk @MiniCaptainKirk]

@MiniCaptainKirk I definitely spoke too soon. Everything is still awful.

[Lauren Kirk @MiniCaptainKirk]

Pro tip: if you're checking out at a store, don't throw your credit card at the cashier. #slinginliquor

[Lauren Kirk @MiniCaptainKirk]

When We Were Young is a song for a montage of fun times I had with people I don't even know and I cry every time. #adele

[Lauren Kirk @MiniCaptainKirk]

Me on Tinder: Oh, your hobbies are hunting and fishing? How unique! #oklahoma #tinder

[Lauren Kirk @MiniCaptainKirk]

I have no more levels. Does that answer your question? #gimmemore https://t.co/JuzdEn8tSh

[Dots @dots]

How far have you gotten in the new #TwoDots levels?

[Lauren Kirk @MiniCaptainKirk]

Coworker, you might not want to start the day off with spouting anti-Beyoncé nonsense at me...unless you want to fight #queenbey

[Lauren Kirk @MiniCaptainKirk]

I would really like to be able to revisit some Even Stevens episodes.

[Lauren Kirk @MiniCaptainKirk]

Listening to my coworker trying to solve a problem is like watching a toddler learn how a spray hose works.

[Lauren Kirk @MiniCaptainKirk]

"If anyone tries to get in your way, knock 'em out" - my grandpa

[Lauren Kirk @MiniCaptainKirk]

Being at a party where everyone is at least a decade older than me and watching them try to act younger makes my eyes cross.

[Lauren Kirk @MiniCaptainKirk]

I need more single friends

[Lauren Kirk @MiniCaptainKirk]

Chris Brown advertising his celeb radio station: Do you wanna see how crazy Chris Brown can get?
Me: NO. I REALLY DONT #youindangergirl