Mitchell Wesley

Scribbler. Seminole Alum; WarEagle by marriage; GoPackGo by birthright. Ravenclaw according to far too many internet surveys.

[Mitchell Wesley @MitchellWesley]

Let’s all just agree to ‘write in’ @JasonKelce for President. #DebateNight

[Los Feliz Daycare @LosFelizDaycare]

save yourself. turn on bluey.

[Mitchell Wesley @MitchellWesley]

Old year, old me. Like 2015.

(But with my kids and house.)

[Mitchell Wesley @MitchellWesley]

The best feeling in the world is when your kid says “I love you” out of the blue. So, if you haven’t today, you might want to call you parents and tell them. Because that feeling never goes away.

[Mitchell Wesley @MitchellWesley]

Ah. Yes. The time of year when you realize how many retailers have your email address.

[Mitchell Wesley @MitchellWesley]

Proud to say, after two years of diligent yard work and landscaping, our house finally the won the HOA Yard of the Month. However, we sold the house a month beforehand… Those spiteful fucks.

[Mitchell Wesley @MitchellWesley]

When people drive slow in the fast lane, as I pass them, I point at their tires mouthing, “You have a flat!”

You waste my time, I waste yours.

[Mitchell Wesley @MitchellWesley]

Me: Do you know how much I love your mom?

3yo: Uh-huh.

Me: Really? How much?

3yo: Six dollars.

[Mitchell Wesley @MitchellWesley]

Come on UK. The entire world’s work life is in your hands.

[Mitchell Wesley @MitchellWesley]

Saw a shirt online today that had a zippered pocket on the sleeve and just wondering how we stop the cargo crowd from evolving further. Thoughts?

[Mitchell Wesley @MitchellWesley]

FYI—any law enforcement looking to hack into a phone, my one-year-old is available.

[Mitchell Wesley @MitchellWesley]

Floored by this story.

But also not completely shocked. And that's horrifying.

[Mackenzie Fierceton @MFierceton]

It’s a funny thing about the truth. No matter how hard powerful institutions and people try to manipulate it, it stays the same. Truth is something that cannot be changed. A thread. #MackenzieFierceton https://t.co/ugjjf0Ndya

[Mitchell Wesley @MitchellWesley]

Aaron Rodgers: I don’t want to be part of a rebuild.

Packers: No. No. No. Not rebuilding. Sign here.

Also Packers: *trades everyone*

[Mitchell Wesley @MitchellWesley]

Next Texas law be like:

Any person found willfully brainwashing children under the age of 9 and 3/4 with the Cocomelon drug will be hung by the little piggy who went wee-wee-wee all the way home until death.

[Mitchell Wesley @MitchellWesley]

Didn’t we just get out of a long term global conflict?

[Mitchell Wesley @MitchellWesley]

Millennials at the water cooler tomorrow talking about the halftime show:

[Mitchell Wesley @MitchellWesley]

Honestly, AB just did what we all feel like doing on our first day back at work after the new year.

[Mitchell Wesley @MitchellWesley]

Shout out to all the parents fighting against shitty directions tonight... You got this!

[Mitchell Wesley @MitchellWesley]

Wish I still lived in the time where I didn’t even know Patrick Mahomes had a brother. 🤷🏻‍♂️

[Mitchell Wesley @MitchellWesley]

Johnson & Johnson splitting into two companies, like left and right Twix.