i've been awake but you haven't seen me. i've made myself inaccessible on purpose. i'm in a very very strange place. i'm a triple agent again and again and again. i'm locked away and i'm the one holding the key. i'm not opening the door until im good and ready. fuck you.
my eyes are deep and sunken, my heart and lungs and gut are betraying me. i feel like i am turning into a pillar of salt. but salt can be carved. perhaps i can still make a beautiful statue for someone
i am exhausted but i'm not done yet. this ache is deep in my bones but i can't rest yet. i have aged 10 years in only 2. i look terrible. my hair has started falling out again and my skin is pockmarked with stress picking the acne that won't go away. give me ugly love
MY GUT PLUMMETS TO MY CROTCH WHENEVER I DO SOMETHING WRONG. BUT ONLY IN MY CHILDHOOD HOME. I DO WRONG MAYBE 10 TIMES A DAY. I’M ADDICTED TO HOW GOOD THE BAD FEELS. IT’S EXCITING. SOME SORT OF PING. THE WIRES ARE CROSSED.
LONG AGO ,, I INTERNALIZED MY PERFECT COMPANION, I SPLIT MYSELF INTO 2 PEOPLE. THERE’S ME AND THEN THERE’S THE PERFECT ONE. SHE IS MY PARENT. MY LOVER. MY WITNESS. I AM IN LOVE WITH MY INNER CARETAKER. THE CARETAKER LOVES THE TORTURED ME SELF. IT’S SELF SUFFICIENT.