Sweet Slips

I’ll hold grudges and tacos, but not babies!! Tweets come from two separate places: My head and my ass.
#envydastrength

[Sweet Slips @Ndeshi_M]

I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don't have to talk to them.

[Vodka TIEM ™ (powered by whiskey) @VodkaTiem]

It is my one hope that social media will allow people to realize that they're not alone, that everyone is broken.

[Sweet Slips @Ndeshi_M]

If you look in the dictionary for the definition of stupidity, you will find a picture of Hannes Löttering.

[Sweet Slips @Ndeshi_M]

@I_Bl33d_Purple thank you so much for the ToTS!

[Cup ☕f Joe. @I_Bl33d_Purple]

Don't be sad dirty dishes, nobody's doing me either.

[Cup ☕f Joe. @I_Bl33d_Purple]

Not to brag guys but, I got so much procrastinating done today.

[Cup ☕f Joe. @I_Bl33d_Purple]

When my girlfriend is really mad at me, I put a cape on her and tell her, there, now you're super mad.

[Cup ☕f Joe. @I_Bl33d_Purple]

That awkward moment when you realize there is no awkward moment, but rather, you're just awkward.

[Cup ☕f Joe. @I_Bl33d_Purple]

I'm trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.

[Cup ☕f Joe. @I_Bl33d_Purple]

No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.

[Cup ☕f Joe. @I_Bl33d_Purple]

When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don't say a word. Thanks.

[Cup ☕f Joe. @I_Bl33d_Purple]

I told you so, you idiot.

- Your intuition.

[Cup ☕f Joe. @I_Bl33d_Purple]

Your tweets are so awesome, I don't know whether to follow you or spoon you.

[Cup ☕f Joe. @I_Bl33d_Purple]

No Grandma, poontang is not Kool-Aid.

[Cup ☕f Joe. @I_Bl33d_Purple]

My trail mix is Xanax, Viagra, Porn and Twitter.

[Cup ☕f Joe. @I_Bl33d_Purple]

You know what I like about you the most....your dog.

[Cup ☕f Joe. @I_Bl33d_Purple]

Just remember, if you can't tweet something nice, at least make it funny or sarcastic.

[Sweet Slips @Ndeshi_M]

@I_Bl33d_Purple I actually did but lost it

[Bobcat McNichols @FKACornshucks]

"We've been together for 4 years now and it's time to take the next step on our journey!"

*jumps in front of the 8.53 to Aberdeen*

[Bobcat McNichols @FKACornshucks]

Let me spread this knob butter on your glistening yams.

- Slightly skew-whiff root vegetable sext.