Teddy

husband, father, platypus, coffee table

[Teddy @OkHeresTheThing]

gave up on trying to go viral in 2020 when this didn't take off

[Teddy @OkHeresTheThing]

meg ryan: *fakes orgasm*

woman in diner (just converted to islam): alhamdullilah

[Teddy @OkHeresTheThing]

told the trader joe's cashier i didn't find everything i was looking for and he committed seppuku right in front of me

[Teddy @OkHeresTheThing]

Actually, it's just called the Kennedy Center. Technically, to be the Trump-Kennedy Center, it needs to come from a very specific region of Epstein's Island

[Teddy @OkHeresTheThing]

Republicans: We built a puppy-crushing machine

Democrats: We have almost enough votes to force the puppy-crushing machine to say sorry every time it crushes a puppy

[Teddy @OkHeresTheThing]

Every president gets one oil-driven regime change per term. Don’t like it? Too bad it’s in the Constitution

[Teddy @OkHeresTheThing]

Not this one too you son of a bitch

[Teddy @OkHeresTheThing]

Actually you’re not and it’s honestly kinda crazy that you think you are

[Teddy @OkHeresTheThing]

As a Jew, I’ve been unsure how to feel about Mamdani’s candidacy. So it’s been really helpful to have revered Jewish thought leader Andrew Cuomo tell me how I should feel

[Teddy @OkHeresTheThing]

The Sleazy Left is always trying to provide “full context” that “objectively disproves my conspiracies”… nice try losers, but we all know that’s Cheating

[Teddy @OkHeresTheThing]

Very noble, conservatives! Nothing proves your cause is morally superior like hacking the UPenn alumni listserv and calling everyone “woke retards”

[Teddy @OkHeresTheThing]

She stroganoff my beef til I become a beloved traditional russian dish

[Teddy @OkHeresTheThing]

Huh, it’s so weird that Trump’s justice department would announce that. Really, really weird

[Teddy @OkHeresTheThing]

Uber driver:
*spits in my face, steals my wallet, fucks my wife*

Me:
I feel absolutely terrible about this, but I can only give you 4 stars

[Teddy @OkHeresTheThing]

i Never Forget to order this one

[Teddy @OkHeresTheThing]

Love when coworkers invite me to their OOO. Where are we going bestie

[Teddy @OkHeresTheThing]

“get a load of this guy”? uhhh why don’t you let HIM decide who gets his load

[Teddy @OkHeresTheThing]

china tariffs? uh yeah i’m china tar up the dance floor iff they let me back in the club

[Teddy @OkHeresTheThing]

HUGE recession indicator right now:

i wish i had more moneeeez 🥺🥺

[Teddy @OkHeresTheThing]

i would literally be unstoppable in this fit