OnTopTweets

Follow us for the funniest and best stuff on twitter!

[OnTopTweets @OnTopTweets]

Someone told me that you want to fuck me...that true?

[So Tell Me.. @AskMeRetweet]

Take a picture of yourself right NOW and post it on twitter.

[OnTopTweets @OnTopTweets]

Everyone go follow @CauseWereGuys @CauseWereGirls

[One Million Jokes @1000000Jokes]

Facebook is really just a museum of failed relationships.

[One Million Jokes @1000000Jokes]

#GetOuttaHere with logic. In a perfect world, we would get paid by the amount of hours we sleep; and a bonus check every time we have sex.

[OnTopTweets @OnTopTweets]

Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

[OnTopTweets @OnTopTweets]

Ignorance may be bliss, but knowing that you're smarter than somebody feels pretty good, too.

[OnTopTweets @OnTopTweets]

When I yawn, I wonder if deaf people think I'm screaming..

[OnTopTweets @OnTopTweets]

An impotent loser is a man who can't even get his hopes up.

[OnTopTweets @OnTopTweets]

A good life is like toilet paper ... Long and useful.

[OnTopTweets @OnTopTweets]

A joke is like sex. Neither is any good if you don't get it.

[OnTopTweets @OnTopTweets]

- Sex on beach is like American beer; fuckin' near water!

[OnTopTweets @OnTopTweets]

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

[OnTopTweets @OnTopTweets]

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

[OnTopTweets @OnTopTweets]

I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.

[OnTopTweets @OnTopTweets]

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

[OnTopTweets @OnTopTweets]

My plan is to forgive and forget, forgive myself for being so stupid and forget you for ever existed.

[OnTopTweets @OnTopTweets]

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.

[OnTopTweets @OnTopTweets]

Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.

[OnTopTweets @OnTopTweets]

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.