OptaJoke

The original fake football stats account. Tweeting since 22 May '10. Not associated with a professional stats outlet. Satire. Email us: [email protected]

[OptaJoke @OptaJoke]

17 - Gabriel’s penalty will land on the Moon in 17 hours time. Artemis.

[OptaJoke @OptaJoke]

99 - Percentage of Spurs fans no longer deleting their Twitter account tonight. Rivals.

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5.6 - Louis Dunford will earn approximately £5.6 billion in royalties from “North London Forever” if Arsenal win the Champions League tonight. Playlist.

[OptaJoke @OptaJoke]

239,987 - Number of people deleting their tweet wondering why Kai Havertz is starting for Arsenal in the Champions League final. Opener.

[OptaJoke @OptaJoke]

100 - Percentage of Sunderland fans impressed with their new striker Nick Woltemade. Header.

[OptaJoke @OptaJoke]

7,398,124,765 - Number of people on the planet better qualified to be FIFA president than Gianni Infantino. Blatter.

[OptaJoke @OptaJoke]

99 - Percentage of Scotland’s population who’ll remain drunk between now and next year’s World Cup. Buckfast.

[OptaJoke @OptaJoke]

3 - Harry Maguire’s forehead is the 3rd largest man-made object that can be seen from space. Slab.

[OptaJoke @OptaJoke]

99.9 - 99.9% of all faxes sent each year in England are sent on Transfer Deadline Day. Retro.

[OptaJoke @OptaJoke]

59 - Mikel Arteta has spent the last 59 minutes looking for the receipt for Viktor Gyokeres. Refund.

[OptaJoke @OptaJoke]

15 - Number of minutes into the new Premier League season it took for the first VAR controversy to occur. Handball.

[OptaJoke @OptaJoke]

1 - No one knows more than one line to the Champions League anthem. CHAAAMMMPPIIOOONNNSS.

[OptaJoke @OptaJoke]

100 - Percentage of Arsenal fans denying they ever thought Spurs had a chance of getting a result against Liverpool today. Spursy.

[OptaJoke @OptaJoke]

1992 - Ant and Dec haven’t been this emotional since Ant was blinded during a paintball fight in 1992. Byker.

[OptaJoke @OptaJoke]

1,301,426 - Number of Man United fans who have deleted their tweet saying Ruben Amorim will save their season. Relegation.

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27 - Percentage of Everton fans gutted Jordan Pickford saved Erling Haaland’s penalty because he’s still in their fantasy football team. Overpriced.

[OptaJoke @OptaJoke]

1 - Gary Neville is contractually obliged to make his trademark goal celebration noise at least once a game. WWOOAAAEEERRRHHHH.

[OptaJoke @OptaJoke]

3 - There are 3 things guaranteed in life - death, taxes and another goal for Mo Salah. Inevitable.

[OptaJoke @OptaJoke]

39,098 - Number of Man United fans disappointed Ruben Amorim hasn't won them the Premier League & Champions League yet. Impatient.

[OptaJoke @OptaJoke]

12 - Number of minutes into Thomas Tuchel’s first match as England manager that fans will start singing songs about German bombers. Jingoism.