Out of Work Ninja

interests = lurking, randomly disappearing, snapping necks, updating my resume, meditation, snacking

[Seth Rogen @Sethrogen]

This isn’t a Twitter “feud.” @tedcruz tried to overthrow our government. He inspired a deadly mob to storm the Capitol. And I think that deserves ridicule. So fuck him.

[mikepencefly @actualpencefly]

Oh snickies I’m on TV!!!! I don’t know what to do with my antennae. 😬

[mikepencefly @actualpencefly]

This dude must be the whitest guy in America. Translucent.

[Out of Work Ninja @OutofWorkNinja]

There's no sense in crying over spilled milk.

However, crying over spilled chocolate milk is logical.

[Out of Work Ninja @OutofWorkNinja]

I love #Halloween Its the only day a year I don't look out of place at my Curves class.

[Out of Work Ninja @OutofWorkNinja]

My doctor asked if I had a sedentary lifestyle. I said my lifestyle was more metamorphic.

[Out of Work Ninja @OutofWorkNinja]

I always ask if they have superfoods when I go through fast food drive thrus. #HealthNut #TeamChubThighs

[Out of Work Ninja @OutofWorkNinja]

My ninja skills are 85% powered by @portilloshotdog chocolate cake shakes.

[Out of Work Ninja @OutofWorkNinja]

Anybody wanna hang, you know, maybe listen to some Alanis?

[Out of Work Ninja @OutofWorkNinja]

I'm so stealthy that my girlfriend doesn't know I exist.

We've been dating for 5 1/2 years.

[Out of Work Ninja @OutofWorkNinja]

I can't wait to test out my interview strategy of answering all questions with a question.

Am I qualified? Doooo you think I'm qualified?

[Out of Work Ninja @OutofWorkNinja]

Little Known Fact: 74% of Bill Belichick's face fell asleep in 1988 and has never woken up.

[Out of Work Ninja @OutofWorkNinja]

I blame my continous state of unemployment 98% on churros.

[Out of Work Ninja @OutofWorkNinja]

Getting a lot weird looks 2day @Target

It's like people have never seen a grown man dressed in ninja garb in the maternity section before.

[Out of Work Ninja @OutofWorkNinja]

@NotMattBellamy Anyone dumb enough to eat Uncle Marty's Super Bowl dip deserves food poisoning. #Imlookingatyouweirdcousinjoan

[Out of Work Ninja @OutofWorkNinja]

@DiGiornoPizza Do you believe in life after love?

[Out of Work Ninja @OutofWorkNinja]

I've got a long night ahead of me acting out the entirety of this classic by myself in the dojo. #ThugLife

[Out of Work Ninja @OutofWorkNinja]

@NotMattBellamy You should bet that my Uncle Marty brings his super weird shrimp cottage cheese dip to the Ninja Family Super Bowl Party.

[Out of Work Ninja @OutofWorkNinja]

Don't be a total Friday night loser. Ask @OutofWorkNinja anything. I am a temple of knowledge #askninja

[Out of Work Ninja @OutofWorkNinja]

Did I just ingest copious amount Acid or did #PeterPanLive just turn into Whoville?