Lauren Carani

[Lauren Carani @P33P33Halpert]

Amazon has figured out that “putting a picture of a super puzzling, literally useless-looking product with no title whatsoever” is enough of a marketing strategy to get me to slow my scroll on Instagram and debate clicking on it to find out wtf it’s for. How dare they get me.

[Lauren Carani @P33P33Halpert]

@DJR3Bets Tbh I’ve just been pouring a bunch of gummy bears and roughly twice as many M+M’s into a little bowl and calling it my nightly salad and that’s how I came to this groundbreaking conclusion

[Lauren Carani @P33P33Halpert]

Green gummy bears aren’t as bad if you eat them at the same time as two M&M’s #kitchentips #cookingmaster #saltfatacidheat

[Michelle Wolf @michelleisawolf]

I bet you'd be on my side if I had killed a journalist. #BeBest

[Lauren Carani @P33P33Halpert]

DAE hate TV ice so much? I hate TV ice so much.

[Lauren Carani @P33P33Halpert]

It’s 8:14pm and I’m in bed aka the greatest day of my life

[Lauren Carani @P33P33Halpert]

@ungregulated Can they be Dad-themed tattoos though? A nice big football being cooked on a grill being fixed with sturdy tools would really bring the whole thing full circle

[Lauren Carani @P33P33Halpert]

Festive Fun Adult Fall Drinking Game: Drink recommended dose of NyQuil; stand in boiling shower and stare at the wall like a zombie as you pray it kicks in fast

[Lauren Carani @P33P33Halpert]

Everett being completely entranced by Mr Roger’s Neighborhood is all I need in this world ❤️😭🤧❤️

[Lauren Carani @P33P33Halpert]

“I’m aperteefing so hard right now.” -Pat

[Lauren Carani @P33P33Halpert]

“Hey do you remember how two years ago you remembered a thing that happened four years ago? That was so great” - my suggested memories on FB now

[Lauren Carani @P33P33Halpert]

Fuckin right

[Matt Romito @meatromito]

It is not a selfie if someone else takes the picture

[Lauren Carani @P33P33Halpert]

The #fab5 are basically the #spicegirls for the generation that really misses that whole thing and I love it #QueerEye

[Lauren Carani @P33P33Halpert]

Petition to ban photography for the final 90 minutes or so of any wedding reception with an open bar #WeAreTheDancers

[Lauren Carani @P33P33Halpert]

#Westworld s3 should just be ten hours of slow mo robo buffalo tbh

[Lauren Carani @P33P33Halpert]

“Listen, the people want to know what they’d look like as a cross-bred cat-human in a super flattering lighting situation, and damn it, we are going to give it to them” -the Snapchat guy like 4 years ago I guess

[Lauren Carani @P33P33Halpert]

PS I was unexpectedly spoiled as hell for my birthday so my previously stated fears were for naught

[Lauren Carani @P33P33Halpert]

Me: So, [3.75 yo at YMCA], have you picked a theme for your birthday party?

3.75 yo: Presents.

Me, internally: Hell friggin yeah, kid...

[Lauren Carani @P33P33Halpert]

I like Pawtucket. The beer is good and everyone’s shoes are sensible af.