key kick

[MERICA MEMED @Mericamemed]

Germans: Why are these grenades so accurate?
Americans on a Tuesday.

[Anita Helmet @AnitaHelmet]

What does it mean when you’re 45, but your mentality is 30 and your body feels 90?

That’s called ‘alcoholism’.

[Nayele18 @nayele18maybe]

What I lack in good judgment, I make up for in amount of french fries under the seat of my car.

[Uncle Duke @UncleDuke1969]

I saw steam coming up through a sewer grate and thought ugh, even fucking Pennywise is vaping now.

[Darlin’ Darla @Darlainky]

Welcome to your 40’s, almost any physical exertion is accompanied by grunting now.

[key kick @patpatrickme]

I feel like at my funeral there will be a bunch of strippers standing around wanting all those promised lap dances.

[BadMummy @WineMummy]

Getting up and functioning everyday is complete bullshit.

[Lady Lawya @Parkerlawyer]

Got my windows tinted on my car so no one can see me crying on the way to work every day.

[Josh @iwearaonesie]

Got drunk and told the dog she's adopted last night

[Ramblin Mama @ramblinma]

I put my pants on just like everybody else: reluctantly.

[Creed @chemical_scum]

I call my sex life 'whitesnake' because here I go again on my own.

[Twin Dad @TwinSurvivalist]

Oh, you cuddle up in that big hotel comforter? What's it like wrapping yourself in a gigantic cum sock?

[Balls Deep @ThRealBallsDeep]

Bitch I might be...

...your Valentine.

[Wolfmann 🇨🇦 @wolfmannjr]

You are no longer accepting $100 bills?
Here's 10,000 pennies instead
Sorry for the "inconvenience"

[Better_Clever @Better_Clever]

When people ask what I really like about them, I find myself wondering if it's a trick question and if I should lie or be brutally honest?

[Joe @sandjoeman]

My Snapchat is mostly me doing badass karate in a Goodwill parking lot.

[Dan Regan @DanRegan_Comedy]

If a car cuts you off and it's window is a plastic bag just let them go. That driver has seen some shit.

[Marty @xM4rty]

people think i have a speech impediment but really i'm just too lazy to say an entire sentence