PerfumeAdsForSale

We write high quality perfume and aftershave adverts, all of which are for sale: £5000 each. Guaranteed hits. Enquiries: [email protected]

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Blue screen

Whispered:

“Have you ever loved so hard you split your soul in two”

A dam bursts in slow motion

A couple kiss in the rain

A clock spins in reverse

A ham explodes

A page is torn out of a dictionary

David Beckham leans into a microphone in a courtroom:

“Guilty”

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We're in a universe where Timothée Chalamet was never born

People roam the streets

squinting

hungry for answers

answers to questions nobody remembers asking

Fog

A peach sinks into a pool of black oil

The ashes of a forest fire

An empty perfume bottle

A single word

VOID

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Scotland. Black&White. Timelapse clouds. Reverse eagle. Then:

“Stop. What’s that noise?”

Chalamet removes his velvet headphones & listens

“Just as I thought. Rain”

He leaves the castle topless & lays in the grass letting the rain blast against his inquisitive nipples.

DIOR

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Luke Evans checks his watch

“People ask what time it is

Maybe they should ask what time it isn’t?

Points to his temple “Think about it”

He smooshes pink lotion over his torso & dives into the Seine

But it is not filled with water

It is brimful with the thick balm of destiny

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New York is empty but for one man

Idris Elba in a kilt

His eyes are eternal

His thoughts, black & white

He pulls out a pocket telescope & looks out

Telescope POV: in the distance Elba is looking back at himself through another telescope

BOTH ELBAS: “Checkmate”

‘BELONG’

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A flat-capped David Beckham plays saxophone to a heard of cows

“Are we so different?”

He walks amongst the beasts, pausing occasionally to touch nostrils with them

“No”

A pear lands in some hay

Timelapse donkey birth

Back to the field. David now has horns.

Perfume bottle

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Jerusalem. 2034.

Tom Hardy exits a stainless-steel drone wearing turquoise salopettes.

“I’ve searched time”

A lamb is born in reverse

A gloved hand plucks a berry.

Hardy karate kicks the air

“Welcome to yesterday”

9 minutes of wasps

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Chris Hemsworth strips down to his vest to write a letter.

‘ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTVWXYZ’

A tear falls onto the page, blotting the ink.

“Something’s missing”

Chris burns the page.

“Perhaps...it is U”

Chris looks deep into your soul and marries you with his eyes.

I REMEMBER U

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A horse stands in the centre of Times Square

No one is there

Jake Gyllenhaal approaches

Goes nose to nose with the beast

“I knew you’d come”

Cut

He is now living in a small village just outside Marseille

A photo of the horse hangs on the wall

Cut to a bottle of perfume

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A cactus is on fire. Kit Harington stands before it:

“They say dance like no one’s watching.

Wrong.

I dance like everyone in the whole world is watching”

He strides to camera.

Pulls the 4 of spades from his pocket.

“Is this your card?”

He walks away.

Fade to indigo.

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A divided world

Protestors

Chanting

Natalie Portman arrives in an open top VW Beetle

Her hair is braided

Her energy is Swiss

She lifts a megaphone and sings a soft, folk version of ‘Rappers Delight’

The crowd melt into doves

The Dior logo appears, made entirely from hope

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Jared Leto stalks the plains in a velvet dinner suit

Monochrome winds tousle his small beard

“What am I searching for?
Love. Deep, gushing love”

He pulls out an antique trumpet, toots a little ditty

A woman appears. She has antlers

Slowly, delicately, he kisses her chin.

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Poetic night

David Gandy thinks at the moon

Dissolve into his complicated mind

A muscular torso is hit with a fine, oily mist

Time-lapse fox corpse

The word ‘TRUTH?’ written on parchment

An ostrich reverses through a supermarket

Gandy, years later
“Unimpossible Yourself”

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A puma enters a cocktail party.

Everyone stares at the puma.

People whisper: ‘is that a ...puma?’

The puma passes a drape, rises to its hind legs & morphs into Benedict Cumberbatch.

‘No’, say the people, ‘’tis a man’

Cumberbatch, down the lens:

“Can I interest you in Love?”

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Natalie Portman gallops through Paris on a flaming horse

“We need not things. Only hope.”

A rich man pushes his Jag into the Seine

“To inspire others”

Another gifts his watch to an orphan

“You must outspire yourself”

Natalie, covered in ash, runs to the sunset on all fours

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Sotheby’s

Frenzied bidding on a rare ostrich egg

BANG. Sold to telephone bidder 9

The egg begins to hatch

People gasp

A tiny hand pierces the albumen. A newborn Gerard Butler screams into existence.

Cut to Gerard Butler aged 90 on a phone in China laughing

DESTINY by Kenzo

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In slow motion Jake Gyllenhaal turns his head to look out of a window

Hold on Jake Gyllenhaal looking out of the window for 40 minutes

Then he looks back at camera:

(wisely) “Unknow Thyself”

He now has the eyes of a mallard

Fade to ethereal whiteness

‘TRUTH’

Perfume bottle

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Ewan McGregor on a motorbike, wearing a little scarf.

“Life. They say if you blink, you’ll miss it.”

Ewan stares at his reflection in a lake.

“That's why…”

Face to face with a coyote.

“I never blink”

Ewan atop a mountain, staring intensely at the sky.

Thunder.

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Fade in

Atop a volcano stands Charlize Theron

She takes off her monocle & casts it into the lava:

“I do not need to see”

Points to her heart

“I feel”

A microphone descends

Charlize grabs it & sings the whole of ‘What If God Was One Of Us’

In Korean. Twice.

DIOR

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It's Justin Bieber’s funeral.

Beliebers cannot belieb it.

Weeping mourners cast brassieres into his grave.

As it’s filled with soil, a distraught supermodel dives in to be with him forever.

It's over.

The vicar removes his moustache.

It’s Justin Bieber.

“Where do I begin?”

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Silk, says Harry Styles when the mermaid asks what his tortoise holder is made from

Black & white winds tousle his hair
The mermaid gently strokes his cheek:

“I know you”

STYLES “Know me you do”

He dismounts his horse & kisses her not once, not twice, not thrice, but frice