its starting to feel like there is some cosmic force that is punishing specifically me for trying to escape this and is pointing to it being my destiny to comply for the rest of my life and the only way to actually escape is to die so i cant be useful anymore. Hm
every so often my mom will unprompted go "its not my fault i didnt do this to you maybe im the problem i didnt ruin your life i DIDNT" and itll be like after i ask her some mundane question like what do you think the birds sound like in the west and i have to comfort her after