Philip Maxwell

I have a twitter. I have an instagram. This is my twitter. Welcome to my twitter ...

[Philip Maxwell @PhilipMcMaxwell]

" I got a pocket got a pocket full of ... Divorce papers. I'm divorcing you, Steve."

[Philip Maxwell @PhilipMcMaxwell]

Dad: So when do you leave for college?!

Me: ... I'm in the second grade.

Dad: ... So it's gonna be a while then?

[Philip Maxwell @PhilipMcMaxwell]

What's small and lives in New York?

My apartment.

[Philip Maxwell @PhilipMcMaxwell]

Dad: I've never been proud of you.

Son: Proud...er?

Dad: No.

[Philip Maxwell @PhilipMcMaxwell]

I'm always surprised when the animals in films don't win acting awards. Talk about honest, truthful acting.

[Philip Maxwell @PhilipMcMaxwell]

Son: Do you love me?
Dad: Is your homework done?
Son: No.
Dad: How can I love you if your homework isn't done.

[Philip Maxwell @PhilipMcMaxwell]

Italian friend: (hands me my back pack)
Me: Mucho gusto.

*silence*

Me: I'm so sorry.

[Philip Maxwell @PhilipMcMaxwell]

Just in case I die unexpectedly, I want everyone to know that I'm not excited about the new 'Peanuts' movie.

[Philip Maxwell @PhilipMcMaxwell]

I saw two pigeons doin' the nasty on a ledge this morning... I guess that must mean it's wedding season

[Philip Maxwell @PhilipMcMaxwell]

I lost my pride somewhere between the first and second pound of candy I just purchased.

[Philip Maxwell @PhilipMcMaxwell]

I love the movie Runaway Bride and I don't care who knows it.

[Philip Maxwell @PhilipMcMaxwell]

Judge Judy is my moral compass

[Philip Maxwell @PhilipMcMaxwell]

I have the STRONGEST desire to watch Home Improvement right now...

[Philip Maxwell @PhilipMcMaxwell]

Vamos a la playa calienta el sol!

[Philip Maxwell @PhilipMcMaxwell]

Pete and Repeat were sittin on a boat. Pete fell out. Who was left?

The shell of a man that Repeat became having watched his friend drown

[Philip Maxwell @PhilipMcMaxwell]

There's gotta be more to life than scrolling through google images looking at peoples before and after weightloss photos

[Philip Maxwell @PhilipMcMaxwell]

In other news, Birdwell Island has just been massacred by, what some are calling, "a big red dog" ... More on this at 11

[Philip Maxwell @PhilipMcMaxwell]

Never read the Latin... Unless of course you already have... then read it backwards

[Philip Maxwell @PhilipMcMaxwell]

Every guy on the subway today looks like Dave Matthews... And it's making me VERY uncomfortable

[Philip Maxwell @PhilipMcMaxwell]

There is only ONE way to truly win someone's respect... Pants-off Dance-off