Paul Macken

Husband of a gorgeous wife, Father of 4 amazing kids, and I will have my revenge, in this life or the next!

[Paul Macken @PHMacken]

So hungry I could eat health food...

[Paul Macken @PHMacken]

My wife thinks I'm hopeless at fixing electrical appliances…...Well is she in for a shock?

[Paul Macken @PHMacken]

My mate's just got a part in Grease The Musical.
So l phoned him to wish him Well ah Well ah Well ah Huh...

[Paul Macken @PHMacken]

Knowing how to tie a knot tightly isn’t something instinctive. It has to be taut…

[Paul Macken @PHMacken]

I woke up in hospital this morning after a car crash, Doctor told me I have amnesia and am actually a Swedish man.
He seems to think I was Björn yesterday...

[Paul Macken @PHMacken]

I changed my GPS to a male voice. Now it just says "It's around here somewhere... just keep driving"…

[Paul Macken @PHMacken]

My obsession with removing splinters is getting a little bit out of hand…

[Paul Macken @PHMacken]

I've started my new job at the toy warehouse. There are only two of us that work on a production line for Dracula figures.
I have to make every second count…

[Paul Macken @PHMacken]

Relationship status:- I organise a séance so someone will hold my hand...

[Paul Macken @PHMacken]

My mate asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine. I said about 30 minutes...

[Paul Macken @PHMacken]

Someone keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off.
I Think I'm being stalked…

[Paul Macken @PHMacken]

Remembering all the people who said I was too lazy to achieve anything in life is what gets me out of bed in the afternoon...

[Paul Macken @PHMacken]

Me: “Doctor, I keep having visions of the future.”
Doctor: “When did these start?”
Me: “Next Wednesday.”

[Paul Macken @PHMacken]

I rang my friend earlier to tell him that I'd changed my name to 'Spinal Column', and he said he'd have to call me back...

[Paul Macken @PHMacken]

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be…

[Paul Macken @PHMacken]

When I was a child, my calculator had the multiplication button missing.
Times were hard...

[Paul Macken @PHMacken]

Accidentally swallowed food colouring. Dr says I should be fine but I feel like I've dyed a little inside...

[Paul Macken @PHMacken]

A man just poked me with a fragrant stick-
I was incensed…

[Paul Macken @PHMacken]

I went to the book shop and asked the employee, “Do you have any books written by Shakespeare?”
He said, “Of course. Which one?”
I said, “William.”

[Paul Macken @PHMacken]

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him...