Phoenix Lev | Teaching Emotional Intelligence

Founder, Authentic Learning B Corp
Emotional intelligence for families, students & the future
Creator of Parenting from Within | Building EQ for what comes next

[Phoenix Lev | Teaching Emotional Intelligence @PhoenixLevAL]

Shame felt after losing control as a parent isn't wisdom

It's a learned pattern from childhood

Self-punishment brings the illusion of relief from convincing yourself you'll do better next time

It's an unuseful habit that's a lie

There is a way to change this

[Phoenix Lev | Teaching Emotional Intelligence @PhoenixLevAL]

The relief felt when your child goes quiet after you reprimand them isn't connection—it's distance

The relief is an illusion of safety from childhood when you were taught to reject yourself

Shifting your attention towards what you were taught to reject brings connection

[Phoenix Lev | Teaching Emotional Intelligence @PhoenixLevAL]

When lashing out at our kids, we're seeking safety

As it activates an emotion not safe growing up

We were taught to reject it

It takes calling on who you were before this happened to reverse the energy in these moments from self rejection to self love

Entirely possible

[Phoenix Lev | Teaching Emotional Intelligence @PhoenixLevAL]

I was taught by my parents that love was a reward for self-rejection

Packaged in the form of relief

My parents weren't aware they were doing this to me

I brought this self-rejection and their control into my own parenting

It's not your fault and can be reversed

[Phoenix Lev | Teaching Emotional Intelligence @PhoenixLevAL]

Most parents are chasing a mental idea of what a "good parent" is

It comes from being controlled growing up

Accepting the idea forced onto you that you're "bad" to ensure love

This learned self-rejection gets pushed onto our children unconsciously

Until we make it conscious

[Phoenix Lev | Teaching Emotional Intelligence @PhoenixLevAL]

When your teenager mocks your voice and sighs like they can't stand you, that's not disrespect—that's frustration seeking understanding

There is the part of you that takes it personal and reacts, canceling out the ability to listen

This part is an illusion that's not you

[Phoenix Lev | Teaching Emotional Intelligence @PhoenixLevAL]

Often anger in parenting it's not what it appears

On the surface, our child's behavior "makes us angry"

When actually, we are having an emotional flashback to how we felt as a child

Our children are giving us the opportunity to access areas within ourselves in need of growth

[Phoenix Lev | Teaching Emotional Intelligence @PhoenixLevAL]

Reactive anger that shows up in parenting is not what it appears

I was taught by my family of origin to avoid anger, rather than learn how to express it usefully

My version of anger showing up in my parenting that I would regret was not actually anger, but the avoidance of it

[Phoenix Lev | Teaching Emotional Intelligence @PhoenixLevAL]

There is a moment during parenting when we lose ourselves and act regretfully

This is normal

We enter an unconscious space, unaware we are rejecting ourselves

Taught in childhood, absorbed for survival

This part never had the chance to develop

Our children now offer it to us

[Phoenix Lev | Teaching Emotional Intelligence @PhoenixLevAL]

As parents, the temptation to interfere and fix our kid's problems is a test

This is not by accident

Life will repeat this test for us as many times as we need in order to see it's lesson and grow

Instant gratification is the hook that masks the truth

Start now

[Phoenix Lev | Teaching Emotional Intelligence @PhoenixLevAL]

When I'm yelling at my kid, I'm self-rejecting myself

When I'm shaming myself for doing it, the same

A part of me is unconscious or unaware of what it's avoiding

I learned to avoid this area of myself in childhood to survive

Developing what's unconscious transforms parenting

[Phoenix Lev | Teaching Emotional Intelligence @PhoenixLevAL]

Unwanted regretful behavior in parenting is not what it appears

For instance, I become angry at my son for hitting his brother

I target the behavior

However, I'm avoiding feeling helpless. A flashback to when my parents did this to me

My issue, not his

He's helping me #truth

[Phoenix Lev | Teaching Emotional Intelligence @PhoenixLevAL]

Expression of anger is natural

How can be useful or unuseful

Learning how to express anger beneficially is part of the development process

Many parents, like me, grew up in families of origin incapable of teaching this

Toxic anger shows up in parenting until developed

[Phoenix Lev | Teaching Emotional Intelligence @PhoenixLevAL]

Growing out of unwanted behavior showing up in your parenting is accepting that no matter how much your parents loved you, they undoubtedly passed much of this onto you that you are now passing onto your own children

Also accepting they may never understand this themselves

[Phoenix Lev | Teaching Emotional Intelligence @PhoenixLevAL]

As a parent, when I stopped trying to control the outcome and focused on helping my son find his own power, the problem solved itself

Children don't need rescue—they need guidance toward their own solutions

[Phoenix Lev | Teaching Emotional Intelligence @PhoenixLevAL]

Play between siblings will always involve misreading cues and crossing lines

When parenting, instead of avoiding these moments, I learned to use them as real-time opportunities for emotional learning

Conflict is where the deepest growth happens

[Phoenix Lev | Teaching Emotional Intelligence @PhoenixLevAL]

Anger showing up in your parenting that's regretful is not anger, but the avoidance of it

It's what you were taught in childhood for survival

However, it's not who you are

Developing what's unconscious reveals this

I have to do this myself

This is normal

[Phoenix Lev | Teaching Emotional Intelligence @PhoenixLevAL]

I'm teaching my sons how to channel their natural aggression into healthy boundary setting

This helps his brothers regulate too—not through punishment but through relationship

When children learn to advocate for themselves, it creates healthier dynamics for everyone involved

[Phoenix Lev | Teaching Emotional Intelligence @PhoenixLevAL]

I was taught to control my enviroment to avoid feeling anger

This transfered over to my parenting

Instead, when I stayed with my anger, I could use it differently—to power something new instead of shutting things down

The unconscious part that once fueled chaos became a guide

[Phoenix Lev | Teaching Emotional Intelligence @PhoenixLevAL]

Sibling conflicts aren't problems to eliminate—they're opportunities for emotional learning

These challenging moments are where the deepest growth happens

Showing up for out children as parents requires less interference and the ability to be present with what wants to react