Ass Johnson

2006’s Time Magazine Person of the Year

[Ass Johnson @Pizzazzeria]

You may be asking “Who is that guy riding a line scooter on Ventura Boulevard?”

It’s me. Ass Johnson.

[Ass Johnson @Pizzazzeria]

Watching Jurassic Park with my wife and the dino nuggets came out of the oven at the same time that the brontosaurus appears on screen

[Ass Johnson @Pizzazzeria]

Pro-democracy activists are like “you have to vote for the establishment candidate there is no other choice”

[Ass Johnson @Pizzazzeria]

Guy who calls soccer “footslop”

[Ass Johnson @Pizzazzeria]

@truedetectiveee He smoked camel blues

[Ass Johnson @Pizzazzeria]

They’d be mad as hell

[Aaron Rupar @atrupar]

Ossoff: "Just think, 250 years on, what the Founders would see if they visited us today. *crowd groans* But wait -- they would see that slavery had been abolished. They would see that Americans without land, and then women, and then the descendants of slaves had secured voting rights ... "

[Ass Johnson @Pizzazzeria]

All of the kids that used to forge their mom’s signature are in charge of the country

[Ass Johnson @Pizzazzeria]

Gavin Newsom: It was Operation Epic FAIL!

[Ass Johnson @Pizzazzeria]

You didn’t go to Saturnalia? Don’t you know how important it is to let the King know what you think of him??

[Ass Johnson @Pizzazzeria]

The American anti-war position is “why aren’t you spending that money on ME?”

[Ass Johnson @Pizzazzeria]

If anyone asks me about how Mike Huckabee is going to change US-Israel policy this Thanksgiving I will kick their ass

[Ass Johnson @Pizzazzeria]

Oh no you don’t understand, I said don’t tread on ME.

[Ass Johnson @Pizzazzeria]

Running 20 minutes late and my wife is in the living room folding an origami crane and insisting that this has to get done before we leave for our flight.

[Ass Johnson @Pizzazzeria]

This post is being made on the unceded app named Twitter

[Ass Johnson @Pizzazzeria]

@Awk20000

[Ass Johnson @Pizzazzeria]

You just created one million Andrew Cuomos

[Ass Johnson @Pizzazzeria]

Deadnaming the Department of Defense

[Ass Johnson @Pizzazzeria]

My boss and I are like Brad Pitt and Jonah Hill in Moneyball, the only difference is that when I show her what a computer can do she doesn’t listen to me.

[Ass Johnson @Pizzazzeria]

@ColdEmpanadas A genre of tweet that consumes 6 trillion gallons of water

[Ass Johnson @Pizzazzeria]

Here’s my trade deal:

-You kick yourself in the nuts

OR

- I kick myself in the nuts.

You decide, but someone here is getting their nuts kicked. Who’s it gonna be buckaroo?

[Ass Johnson @Pizzazzeria]

@TheStalwart It’s Cuover