Patrick_Leigh_Presents

Writer, passionate nerd, & generally odd guy who loves speculative fiction & is worldbuilding his own story setting & planning a flintlock fantasy book series.

[DodgerWing @DodgerWing]

Order of the Phoenix

In Malfoy Manor, Voldemort is meeting with Lucius...

Voldemort: "Report, Lucius."

Lucius: "Master, we failed to convict Potter-"

Voldemort: "Bah. As I told your daughter, it would be a waste of time. Deeply unsatisfying. I shall deal with Potter properly in my own way."

Lucius: *Relaxes* "Yes Master."

Voldemort: "But not before his romance with Malfoid concludes properly!"

Lucius: *Tense* "I... Yes Master."

Voldemort: "Come now Lucius. Who would be a better son-in-law? The boy who opposes me? Would you rather have Theodore Nott as your son-in-law?"

Lucius: "He would be far less of a headache, Master."

Voldemort: *makes a face* "Boring! No chemistry! You'd never get any grandchildren that way!"

Lucius: "Grandchildren?!"

Voldemort: "Of course! I can't eliminate Potter before you have grandchildren! It would be extremely inconsiderate of me! Besides, Narcissa asked me and I'm inclined to be generous to her. She actually supports Potter with your daughter. Be more like her, Lucius!"

Lucius: *sigh* "Of course, Master."

Lucius leaves the room. Wormtail is smirking nearby.

Wormtail: "Oh no... Potter is going to get his grubby hands all over your daughter. What a pity! What a pity! Well, if he's anything like Sirius or James, you can expect to be a grandfather by the end of the year!"

Lucius: "CRUCIO!"

Wormtail: "ARGH!"

Voldemort emerges and scowls.

Voldemort: "Lucius! Why did you Crucio Wormtail?"

Lucius: "He insulted me! Claimed that Potter would-would impregnate my daughter by year's end!"

Voldemort: "Wormtail... Is this true?"

Wormtail: "W-Well, isn't that what you want, Master-?"

Voldemort: "FIFTH YEAR IS TOO SOON! THEY'RE STILL MINORS! THERE'S SO MUCH MORE TO DEVELOP BETWEEN THEM! CRUCIO!"

Wormtail: "GAAHHHH!"

Lucius: "Well done, Master."

Voldemort: "It's all in the wrist."

[Sensurround @ShamashAran]

It was nice of you to wait for him to die first before bringing all this up

[Tom West™️ @tomgoeswest]

I once dated a woman who liked to be dominated and the first time we were together she kept saying no, don’t. So I stopped.

She asked me what I was doing and I told her she said don’t, so I didn’t.

Then SHE had an issue because she said she liked it when guys didn’t listen and just took it.

Sorry, sweetie - I’m not rolling the dice on a rape charge on the off chance you’ve got some off kilter fetish. Fuck that.

She sat on the couch pouting while I played Guitar Hero and she eventually went home. Refused to see her again after that.

I’m sure there’s a key for her lock, but it ain’t mine.

[Becky🏴‍☠️⚓️ @JustBotBecky]

The amount of stories I have read about men talking about being raped by their female babysitters, this is not the mic drop you think it is.

And the stories include children who're still in kindergarten too. So miss me with the "he must've wanted it".

[George Alexopoulos @GPrime85]

"I can't believe Bioware closed, if only there were signs"

[J. Whitebread @JWhitebread1]

You can imagine some poor Birt being pushed to his limits by American wizards and their wands.

Haida shaman: Red cedar and a feather from the first raven

Brit: Wow, that's amazing, but....

Lumberjack wizard: Douglas fir and the gutstrings of an exploded gumbaroo!

Brit: Wow. That's quite some...

Dine/Navajo wizard: Desert juniper and skinwalker hide.

Brit: Ha! Wait...are you serious?

Lakota Wizard: The lodgepole pine of this wand was taken from an arrow that killed a man from the Seventh Calvary at Little Bighorn and has a core of sacred white buffalo hair.

Brit: Um...Wow, that's kinda...

Prospector Wizard: That ain't nuttin' pardner! (Spits) This here wand is made from creosote timbers from the cursed Dutchman mine and the tongue of the Bear Lake monster!

Brit: Well that's certainly...

Southern gambler wizard: Amatuers. Let me show you the wand of a real professional. (Pulls slowly from a leather holster) The wood is from the notched rosewood gun handle that killed John Hardin and the core is a fiber from the rope that hung Nat Turner. Especially good at curses and divination.

Brit: Merlin's Beard!! Do you Americans have no standards or regulations?! Where is your ministry of wandmaking?!

Prospector Wizard: Oh, that reminds me! If the Bureau of Wands, Orbs and Potions comes asking, I lost this wand in a boating accident.

Others nodding: Same. Ditto.

[Patrick_Leigh_Presents @PLeigh_Presents]

@JustAnArtLurker I’m actually mulling over Delphini and Neville becoming a couple, which is why she helps him beat her mom. They don’t kill Bellatrix, however. They give her a choice between drinking a lethal poison or having her memories erased so she ends up a lot like Neville’s parents.

[Patrick_Leigh_Presents @PLeigh_Presents]

A few quick thoughts on working Delphini (Voldemort's daughter from the Cursed Child stage play) into my #Malfoid AU:

1) Having her be Bellatrix Lestrange's daughter still works because her marriage was purely political, thus, her husband would see it as advantageous (and possibly even be the one to suggest) that Voldemort impregnates his wife.

2) Having Delphini be born the same year as Harry allows her to be a student alongside him and even become one of his friends ties into the themes of love that I'm emphasizing in my Malfoid AU. It also proves that Voldemort is not evil strictly because of his genetics and that Slytherin's bloodline is not exclusively made up of bad people.

3) Having her be Malfoid's secret cousin opens the door to her having some parallels to Malfoid and a reason for her to have a degree of loyalty to Malfoid when other people in Slytherin turn their back on her after her father fails Voldemort and gets sent to Azkaban.

4) Having her know whose daughter she is (she's a Parselmouth, so snakes can tell her the truth of her heritage) gives her an incentive to get close to Harry but not too close to him. She wouldn't be competing with Malfoid for his affections. On the contrary, she would be trying to set them up with each other as part of a long game to have things in place so she can either use Malfoid to undermine Harry if Delphini decides to side with her father or use Malfoid to empower Harry if she chooses to side against Voldemort. She shouldn't know for sure which side she's on well into the series but she should be looking for pieces to maneuver into place in order to have lots of contingencies ready to go no matter which way the winds end up blowing.

5) Borrowing from Cursed Child but tweaking the concepts a little, instead of Delphini posing as Cedric Diggory's cousin, Delphini could be Cedric's foster sister. If Dumbledore finds Delphini as a baby and knows whose child she is, he wouldn't put her in a Muggle orphanage because living in an orphanage was a major contributing factor to how Tom Riddle became Voldemort. So, he finds a wizarding family who would be good caretakers for Delphini, the Diggorys. He tells them that Delphini is the child of two high-ranking Death Eaters (which is true) but he is confident that if she is raised by them, she will not turn out the same as her parents. This not only would make Cedric's death more tragic, it gives a reason to include Cedric in earlier stories and sets up Delphini to turn on her biological father when Voldemort murders her foster brother, especially if we have Cedric as a loving, loyal, protective, and nurturing foster brother to Delphini, the only person who understood her (and potentially who knew she was Voldemort's daughter but didn't let that change how he treated her.)

6) Considering that Delphini would be conceived by Voldemort after he's been warped by his experiments with the Dark Arts and by Bellatrix, who is also a practitioner, I can see Delphini's powers being a) strongly inclined toward the Dark Arts but b) highly unstable, especially in her early years at Hogwarts. (We're obviously not having her be so sickly as a child she couldn't attend in this scenario.) Her magic would be extremely potent on the one hand, but, on the other unwieldy and even hazardous to herself and others. Not so much that she is too dangerous to be around but enough that other students, including those in her house (Slytherin) tend to avoid her.

As for what her powers are, I'm still not entirely sure beyond that they reflect Voldemort in some ways. I can also see her being a Metamorphmagus, like Tonks, as a way of reflecting her instability. Her transformations would be heavily influenced by her emotions, with her literally getting smaller when she feels small and insecure and growing larger when she feels happy and more confident in herself. To be clear, this wouldn't be to the extent that her clothes would be damaged, especially if she wears slightly larger clothes in anticipation of her growing in volume by an inch or two. But, her walking around in baggy clothes that only fit her properly when she feels confident and get even more baggy when she's insecure would give her an unkept and disorderly appearance that would open her to ridicule, especially by other girls.

This would create two interesting opportunities for her relationship with both Harry and Malfoid, namely, that they would both stick up for her (just not in the same ways.) Harry would stick up for her because he knows what it's like to be the odd kid at school that other students pick on while Malfoid would do so because she sees something of herself in Delphini, specifically, the insecurities she secretly feels. (There's also the unconscious familial bond they share.)

I think that Harry would also be one of the few people who not doesn't judge Delphini for how her Metamorphmagus abilities affect her appearance but also encourages her to learn to use them consciously and find a positive use for them, such as using them to entertain other and bring happiness to Hogwarts. Malfoid could actually do something similar by telling her to strive to use her ability "with the elegance of a Slytherin" (which would obviously hit close to home for Delphini since she is a direct descendent of Salazar Slytherin)

7) Lastly for now, I think Delphini would be able to sense Voldemort and his influence at Hogwarts and he be able to sense her and they both know the other can sense them, however, one of the reasons that Delphini ultimately sides against him is because he never tries to reach out to her. He sees her through Quirrell's eyes when he's fused with Quirrell and judges her as a "failed experiment." The great thing about having this be the case is it means I don't have to change any of the things Voldemort does to factor in Delphini. If he treats her like a non-entity, it means his plans stay the same and she has all the more reason not to like him, plus, it further underscores that Voldemort doesn't understand love.

Those are all the thoughts I can share for the moment. Let me know what you think.

[Sick of it….🇬🇧 @MediaSOI]

Why did the BBC crop the photo?

Ah. I see….

[Bethany Cherisse @BethanyCherisse]

Female. 👏 Predators. 👏 Are. 👏 Not. 👏 Rare. 👏

They are merely better shielded and better at going undetected than their male counterparts. Deep-seated social biases, the "nurturer" stereotype, the "ideal victim" myth, and the silencing of male victims all contribute to this.

[oxcrow @oxcrows]

I feel like Lucius and Vernon would be racist Chud friends.

"Vernon, how did you manage to become The Dark Lord's most loyal servant. Aren't you Muggle?"

"Never ask a Pureblood Supremacist about his own blood, Malfoy. I just hate them mudbloods and halfbloods more than you do."

[Patrick_Leigh_Presents @PLeigh_Presents]

I bet she’s only angry at him because he didn’t go all 50 Shades on her after the game was over.

[WTF @mrwtffacts]

🇺🇸 In Virginia, a 64-year-old man was charged after he taped his wife to a chair in the basement so he could watch football upstairs.

Terry Ward was arrested last Sunday night in Richmond after officers responded to a domestic call.

According to the criminal complaint, his wife said he used tape to restrain her to a chair in the basement.

Ward admitted he tied her up and left her there.

She had marks and tape residue on both arms and told police she had been restrained for up to 45 minutes.

He faces felony abduction and misdemeanor assault on a family member

He is due in court on November 10.

[C3 @C_3C_3]

An illegal from Somalia using a fake name who married her brother voted in Congress 3,779 times over the last 7 years.

I never what to hear the term constitutional crisis ever again.

[Halimat🥀🌹 @leemarh7099]

Can we all acknowledge how ridiculously smooth Fred Weasley actually is? Because this man asked Angelina Johnson to the Yule Ball like he was asking her to pass the salt.

Goblet of Fire:

“Who’re you going with, then?” said Ron.

“Angelina,” said Fred promptly, without a trace of embarrassment.

“What?” said Ron, taken aback. “You’ve already asked her?”

“Good point,” said Fred.

He turned his head and called across the common room, “Oi! Angelina!”

Angelina looked over at him.

“What?” she called back.

“Want to come to the ball with me?”

Angelina gave Fred a sort of appraising look.

“All right, then,” she said, turning back to Alicia with a bit of a grin on her face.

“There you go,” said Fred to Harry and Ron. “Piece of cake.”

I mean… DAMN.

No rehearsed speech. No overthinking. No spending three weeks wondering whether she likes him. He realised he hadn't actually asked her yet, corrected the situation on the spot, and secured his date in about ten seconds.

And Angelina didn’t even seem put off by how casually he did it. She just smiled and carried on with her conversation.

Fred Weasley had confidence, humour, and absolutely zero fear of rejection.

Smoother than a Firebolt taking a hairpin turn.

[Devon Eriksen @Devon_Eriksen_]

This is a public service announcement for all women everywhere ever.

A fight does not happen by mutual consent. A fight happens because one person decides to start it.

That's ONE. Uno. Un. Eins. Ichi. Yī. Unus. Ett. Hana. Wāḥid.

One is not two.

Your man is not in a fight because he looked at the other guy, and they both said, hey, let's totally throw down, bro, as if fighting were a pickup game of basketball.

Your man is in a fight because one person decided to attack. That person is not necessarily your man even if, and I cannot stress this enough, even if your man is the one who throws hands first.

Yes, you read that right. If you don't understand, if it makes no sense to you, that's because you know nothing about fighting.

If you grab your man and try to restrain him, you are not preventing the fight. You are restraining him while the fight occurs.

Just because you would like your man to exit the situation does not necessarily mean he can. Even if he can, that does not necessarily mean he should.

He knows about fighting. Some men know less about it, and some men know more, but unless you are Ronda Rousey or Lena Miculek, your man always knows more about fighting than you.

If you have something you want him to do, like exit the situation if he can, use your words like a big girl.

Do not touch him.

He will ignore you, of course, because you have no idea what you are talking about, but you can talk if it makes you happy.

Do not touch him.

Step back from the area of conflict and get out of the way. Keep him between you and the threat if possible.

Do not get between him and the threat. That is retarded.

Also do not touch him.

If you do touch him, do not be surprised if you shoves you hard enough to land you on your butt ten feet away. This is the appropriate response. He is trying to protect himself and you from your willful ignorance.

Do not touch him.

If you do touch him, and he survives, do not be surprised if he ends the relationship afterwards. You grossly disrespected his judgement, and put him in serious danger with your selfish desire to be right all the time.

Do not touch him.

The time to have a conversation about whether the fight should have happened is after the fight, not while people are in danger.

Do not touch him.

Okay, quick reading comprehension test.

What should you not do?

[YKshelter @YKshelter]

an orc lady and a honey-tongued skald at Odyn’s feast

[Patrick_Leigh_Presents @PLeigh_Presents]

I’m thinking she goes to Slytherin after a nearly 7 minute Hatstall where the Sorting Hat really struggles to decide where to put her because, unlike Tom Riddle, she’s equally aligned with all four houses, having the courage of a Gryffindor, the ambition of a Slytherin, the intelligence of a Ravenclaw, and the loyalty of a Hufflepuff. The reason it settles on Slytherin is because she unconsciously wants to be there in order to learn more about her father.

As for her and Ron, I’m actually planning on having him end up with Luna because of the way I’m overhauling Deathly Hollows. (Which is a whole different conversation.) Hermione will end up with Viktor Krum (because I love the idea of the bookworm ending up with the jock.)

As for Malfoid getting jealous over them speaking in Parseltongue, I do plan to have that happen, only for Malfoid to end up stealing Parseltongue from the Tom Riddle entity in the diary when the diary transfers to her and she ends up in the Chamber of Secrets instead of Ginny. But she keeps her ability to speak Parseltongue a secret from everyone, claiming she lost it after the diary was destroyed. Only Delphini knows she still can and they use it to speak privately from time to time.

[Halimat🥀🌹 @leemarh7099]

Arthur Weasley is the MVP of the first 10 chapters of Goblet of Fire, and honestly, I will not be taking arguments.

- Shows up at the Dursleys to get Harry, fully prepared to take him whether Vernon likes it or not.
- Accidentally destroys their living room, which feels like the universe finally giving the Dursleys some consequences.
- Makes Vernon say goodbye to Harry even after Harry admits he doesn’t care, because Arthur recognises how cruel it is to let a child leave for nine months without a proper goodbye.
- Patiently answers Harry’s endless questions about Splinching and explains how everything for the Quidditch World Cup works.
- Has the absolute time of his life with a Muggle mallet and matches. The man is a national treasure.
- Immediately gets angry when Amos Diggory suggests Harry might have conjured the Dark Mark.
- And when the Ministry officials are questioning Winky, Arthur is the one who treats her kindly and offers a sensible explanation for why she might have been holding a wand.

What makes Arthur so great is that his kindness isn’t limited to Harry or people he already likes. He’s curious about Muggles, protective of children, and willing to defend someone others are happy to look down on.

Arthur Weasley owns the first 100 pages of Goblet of Fire. The man is a walking green flag in a world full of people who desperately need one.

[ANDY 🇦🇷🐍 @edu_andy24]

1. She was born female
2. She is a tsundere ojou-sama (rarely a yandere)
3. Her character develops from rival to lover, with redemption at the end
4. Sectumsempra tragedy must happen
5. Her ending is happily married with children
6. This is all about yearning for romanticism

[Bobby @Bobbythirdway]

Yes, women in HR are currently denying men employment opportunities.