Not a Poblicity Stunt

The key to success on Twitter is winning the hearts and minds of your followers. That's why I'm keeping these jars full of formaldehyde.

[Not a Poblicity Stunt @PoblicMenace]

Most people rise majestically from the flames as a phoenix; all I can manage is some kind of badly singed chicken.

[Not a Poblicity Stunt @PoblicMenace]

Scotland's goalkeeper has been out drinking and partying every night at the World Cup. I heard he's even refusing to turn up for training... the Gunn control in America is shocking 🙄

#SCOMAR

[Not a Poblicity Stunt @PoblicMenace]

Sun shine always cheers me up. Comforting reminder that in 5bn years it'll expand and vaporise Earth plus the vitamin D boost 😊

[Not a Poblicity Stunt @PoblicMenace]

I'm seeking reassurance that the inevitable WW3 Christmas Day football match in no-mans-land isn't going to feature VAR.

[Not a Poblicity Stunt @PoblicMenace]

Sarina has clearly got in early and bought a 3-pack of blouses for school in September #Lionesses

[Not a Poblicity Stunt @PoblicMenace]

The Spain ladies manager giving off strong Jafar from Aladdin vibes #Lionesses

[Not a Poblicity Stunt @PoblicMenace]

@maspatel01 @Symbolizer_ @FabrizioRomano I'm a Liverpool fan but pretty sure Chiesa is regretting his decision

[Not a Poblicity Stunt @PoblicMenace]

HP sauce. If you can't afford to pay for your condiments in on go, don't buy them FFS.

[Not a Poblicity Stunt @PoblicMenace]

Hissed back at an angry goose today cos I live in the UK and know the NHS will put me back together for free.

[Not a Poblicity Stunt @PoblicMenace]

The Princess of Wales role is more cursed than being Defence Against the Dark Arts professor at Hogwarts.

[Not a Poblicity Stunt @PoblicMenace]

@Velshland @FooFightersUK That's Grohls misconduct if ever I heard it.

[Not a Poblicity Stunt @PoblicMenace]

Bashful Welsh Police, avoid embarrassing silences when you pull a girl named Louise over for speeding and she asks, "What can I do to avoid a fine officer?"

Simply turn around and point to the word HEDDLU on the back of your jacket and she'll get the message.

[Not a Poblicity Stunt @PoblicMenace]

Buoys - as if the Philip Schofield fiasco wasn't proof enough that it's a bad idea for U to come inside...

Gonna leave you to fill in the blanks.

[Not a Poblicity Stunt @PoblicMenace]

Some random billionaires weren't afraid to dive
Packed a suitcase and kissed their wallets goodbye
They'd spent a small fortune for that Titanic sight
And as the submersible broke down they thought
"Can't we just put this in rice?..."
And isn't it ironic... don't you think

[Not a Poblicity Stunt @PoblicMenace]

There's a reason flies enter homes and are attracted to our food, drinks and hot tubs. They LOVE capitalism. No need for swatters in Beijing! 🪰🇨🇳

[Not a Poblicity Stunt @PoblicMenace]

[Watching #CoronationConcert]
Wife: God, Howard Carter in Take That looks old
Me: Yeah, Tut's curse really took a toll

[Not a Poblicity Stunt @PoblicMenace]

King Charles dressed like Oberyn Martell off Game of Thrones #Coronation

[Not a Poblicity Stunt @PoblicMenace]

The total volume of Covid-19 in the world would fit in a pint glass. I'd still rather drink that than try your home brew.

[Not a Poblicity Stunt @PoblicMenace]

Easily remember which way the clocks change by repeating: Spring FORWARD into a new disaster and fall BACK into seasonal depression.

[Not a Poblicity Stunt @PoblicMenace]

I'm not down to present Match of the Day tomorrow, but if I was, I'd take the same stance as @alanshearer by building a time machine, going back to 1992 and turning down that transfer to Man Utd.

[Not a Poblicity Stunt @PoblicMenace]

I'm a big fan of working smarter not harder, which is why I lost my job as a pornstar.