andy

andy (20+) i retweet funny things
"you were not born with venom in your veins" 🖤

[andy @Possum_Dad]

glad that vax made it to the watch party #CriticalRoleSpoilers

[aya ⁶³⭒baekguism manager @enhaclawzz]

MAYOR MAMDANI WHAY ARR YOU GONNA DO ABOUT THE BLATANT FAVOURITISM HAPPENING IN MERCEDES FORMULA 1 TEAM

[dan hentschel @danghentschel]

God gave me a supernatural ability to look into someone's eyes and instantly know if they have been molested.

[dolo @doloyeung]

Me: Bring out the waitress who called me a gamer freak yesterday. I want her to apologize again

Long John Silver's manager: Sir, she's not back there

Tutorial voice in my head: Close one eye to enable pirate vision. By enabling pirate vision you can see scallywags through walls

[The Slaughter Rule (2002) @chucklenutts]

a rib spreader is a kind of sex toy if ur enlightened

[realyuriyearners @realyuriyearns]

a man celebrated his dog beating cancer by cooking him.

[Xx_dog_blog_xX @Xx_dog_blog_xX]

My gimp could beat off your gimp in a fight

[dandelion georgism 🔰🏗 @DandyGeorgism]

Omelas child job opportunities

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Omelas child hiring near me

[The Lobster @LikeableLobster]

The Murmurs grow louder.

[the heart @Fredward3948576]

Yes hello thank you for this interview, and thank God.. as well [pauses, the fluorescent lights buzz] I'm sure you want to discuss my resume, specifically what I meant by 'Playful but not imaginative'. Well it started when I was deprived of breast milk as an infant, arbitrarily

[Gram Smoker’s Dracula @chilledspectre]

showing my barber several pictures of dead animals

[Zerø @zeromoder]

once someone's already dead it's like whatever you know

[HorseSlug🐌 @horsebone2]

There's multiple wasps nests in the eaves of my house and I can't go outside without them molesting me at least a little

[𑣲ella⁷ @qtkuromi]

4 hours of sleep and ts just made me laugh so hard. at work btw

[realyuriyearners @realyuriyearns]

i could never take someone's life unless it was for a really good reason like if i thought it'd soothe me in the moment.

[Errai @errai]

If you devour a man you should be able to absorb his citizenship

[Mitya @Discollaborator]

So, apparently, killing the old king doesn't make you the new king. You actually have to kill way more guys than that. But they don't tell you that beforehand. So you can kill the king and think everyone's gonna be cool about it, but then you actually end up in a lot of trouble.

[aIenka @ankyhaidy]

if i was a horse and my rider went unconscious and fell off me i would drag them on the ground for sooooo many miles

[turbomander (purple era) @turbomander]

wonderful argument. unfortunately, I have just finished casting polymorph to turn you into yourself but pregnant

[faget83629031852 @faget9261530128]

i had to dissect one of santa clauses elves for my biology class

[faget83629031852 @faget9261530128]

i just found a mysterious sphere in my eye socket