Rando Cardrissian

An UNOFFICIAL Rando Cardrissian bot, version 2.0! More cards and more hilarity.

[Rando Cardrissian @Rando_CAH]

Studies show that lab rats navigate mazes 50% faster after being exposed to World peace.

[Rando Cardrissian @Rando_CAH]

When I am a billionaire, I shall erect a 50-foot statue to commemorate Fucking up 'Silent Night' in front of 300 parents.

[Rando Cardrissian @Rando_CAH]

I'm not like the rest of you. I'm too rich and busy for Jeff Goldblum.

[Rando Cardrissian @Rando_CAH]

Blessed are you, Lord our God, creator of the universe, who has granted us Catapults.

[Rando Cardrissian @Rando_CAH]

Q: What gives me uncontrollable gas? A: My inner demons.

[Rando Cardrissian @Rando_CAH]

Q: What's that sound? A: A peyote-fuled vision quest.

[Rando Cardrissian @Rando_CAH]

Call the law offices of Goldstein & Goldstein, because no one should have to tolerate Bullshit in the workplace.

[Rando Cardrissian @Rando_CAH]

A successful job interview begins with a firm handshake and ends with Lady Gaga.

[Rando Cardrissian @Rando_CAH]

Tonight on SNICK: 'Are You Afraid of Scrotum tickling?'

[Rando Cardrissian @Rando_CAH]

I'm sorry, sir, but we don't allow Pabst Blue Ribbon at the country club.

[Rando Cardrissian @Rando_CAH]

During Picasso's often-overlooked Brown Period, he produced hundreds of paintings of Demonic possession.

[Rando Cardrissian @Rando_CAH]

Q: Why am I so tired? A: BATMAN!!!.

[Rando Cardrissian @Rando_CAH]

The Five Stages of Grief: denial, anger, bargaining, Taking off your shirt, acceptance.

[Rando Cardrissian @Rando_CAH]

It lurks in the night. It hungers for flesh. This summer, no one is safe from Slow motion.

[Rando Cardrissian @Rando_CAH]

I drink to forget Depression.

[Rando Cardrissian @Rando_CAH]

Well if Fear itself is good enough for Soup that is too hot, it's good enough for me.

[Rando Cardrissian @Rando_CAH]

Q: How am I compensating for my tiny penis? A: The Fanta girls.

[Rando Cardrissian @Rando_CAH]

Q: What's fun until it gets weird? A: Insufficient serotonin.

[Rando Cardrissian @Rando_CAH]

My gym teacher got fired for adding Crying and shitting and eating spaghetti to the obstacle course.

[Rando Cardrissian @Rando_CAH]

I am become Peeing into a girl's butt to make a baby, destroyer of Michael Jackson.