RapierTwit

I lurk in shadows, I tweet one liners, I protect corporate hobbits.

[RapierTwit @RapierTwit]

No, I didn't just dribble my coffee. That was my shirt jumping up for a sip.

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I tried to pardon myself before God once. Once.

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I just elected myself to chair the "take a day off" committee. I won by a landslide, I swear.

[RapierTwit @RapierTwit]

Apparently Black Friday is just Black November this year.

[RapierTwit @RapierTwit]

Waiting for the pundits to call a few final states. Maybe we should call 'em to settle it with a pie-eating contest.

[RapierTwit @RapierTwit]

Hoping a human wins the presidential race, but it’s too close to call. #potus #MSNBC2020

[RapierTwit @RapierTwit]

I was oppressed once. By calculus.

[RapierTwit @RapierTwit]

Got busted speeding in a school zone. But I said, “No way I was going that fast — the family room’s not that big.”

[RapierTwit @RapierTwit]

So, Twitter becomes the Ministry of Truth. Seems I read about this back in 1984.

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The debates weren’t much more than ad hominem attacks…sadly just a case of premature emasculation.

[RapierTwit @RapierTwit]

I miss 3D people.

[RapierTwit @RapierTwit]

Sure glad I found an app like https://t.co/E9IVbfjSKt that lets me know when to run to the powder room. I also like to fake wretching so people move out of the way quickly.

[RapierTwit @RapierTwit]

Wondering what I'll hear if I listen to "Nevaeh Ot Yawriats" backwards...

[RapierTwit @RapierTwit]

I predict there will be no end to predictions

[RapierTwit @RapierTwit]

Polls show Fridays are edging out Thursdays with strong help from the swingers states

[RapierTwit @RapierTwit]

Caught my limit of Swedish Fish

[RapierTwit @RapierTwit]

Rereading the last chapter of my life to see if I can figure out the next one

[RapierTwit @RapierTwit]

Writing a horror movie script about dead spiders in high, dark places afraid of public speaking.

[RapierTwit @RapierTwit]

Starting my new company, Flinterest. Hoping it catches fire.

[RapierTwit @RapierTwit]

Put the PowerPoint animations down. Now, back away slowly. Keep your hands where I can see them.