Rachel J. Cogan

i want to be the comedian that gets verified and cancelled in the same year | advertising creative by day + amateur comedian always | all tweets are my own

[Toronto Blue Jays @BlueJays]

Timeless words from #Jackie42 💙

[Rachel J. Cogan @RCoges]

@MattSpoke Factor in Canada’s technically still not not under King C3’s rule, and you’ll realize @MattSpoke was gentle on us re: U.S. concerns. We don’t even qualify to be on 51st state shortlist. Or any US state shortlist altogether. Cc: @MFMarcotte

[Rachel J. Cogan @RCoges]

@MFMarcotte @joerogan @joeroganhq @jordanbpeterson not not new new news.

[The Athletic @TheAthletic]

When Blue Jays manager John Schneider returned to his office last week, an envelope awaited him.

A letter had come from Warriors head coach Steve Kerr.

“I don’t know you,” he wrote, “but I felt compelled to reach out after watching your incredible leadership on display during the World Series.

[Michael Frederick Marcotte @MFMarcotte]

Again, NOT “new news” ⁦@joerogan⁩

[Rachel J. Cogan @RCoges]

I keep winning the lottery picks.
Just can’t afford the tickets.

[Rachel J. Cogan @RCoges]

I only go to carnivals and theme parks to get airbrush tattoos. lol
#MyLastTextSent

[Rachel J. Cogan @RCoges]

I signed the Tempo Pledge — sign yours at https://t.co/6Szi14YvEy

[Rachel J. Cogan @RCoges]

@jenn_ficarra HOW CAN I HELP.

[Rachel J. Cogan @RCoges]

Before posting about geese bleach, I forgot what we called a post on here so instead finger slam texted, “Omfg I’m [the action formerly known as tweeting] this” and now accidentally rewrote The Swan Princess.

[Rachel J. Cogan @RCoges]

Swans are just bleached geese.

[Rachel J. Cogan @RCoges]

Swans are just bleached geese.

[Rachel J. Cogan @RCoges]

So another driver just parked in front of me while I was posting my win. Ugh.

BRB backing out of spot.

[Rachel J. Cogan @RCoges]

I am sick and tired of always being so accommodating to strangers.

Being nice ends today. #VillainMode

[Rachel J. Cogan @RCoges]

Take that Busted Bumper Dude. No longer a back out first bitch.

#VillainMode #LessNiceRachel

[Rachel J. Cogan @RCoges]

Casually belting Whitesnake at 10am outside with my coffee deadpan staring down my neighbour. Whispered “practicing Karaoke” and winked.

I’m for sure getting arrested.

[Rachel J. Cogan @RCoges]

I know me so well.

[Rachel J. Cogan @RCoges]

I gave up looking for my TV remote and turned to open my container of brownies only to find the remote on its lid.

[Rachel J. Cogan @RCoges]

I gave up looking for my TV remote and turned to open my container of brownies only to find the remote on its lid.

[Rachel J. Cogan @RCoges]

Do you ever just wanna, wanna?

[Rachel J. Cogan @RCoges]

Honestly, don’t know what I’d do.

Nope. Totally know. I’d replace it. Definitely replace.

[Rachel J. Cogan @RCoges]

What if you were that Royal imbecile who lost your family’s ancestral signet ring in like, 1547, at some syphilis festival.

Would you say anything then or say nothing to no one then secretly replace it in hopes some hot internet science guy calls you out in the way future?