Rooster Guzzlers

Could have been a baseball star.

[Rooster Guzzlers @RGuzzlers]

Mob Boss: soon you'll be sleeping with the fishes.

Guy: honestly that doesn't sound so ba-

Boss: the horny ones.

Boss: the ones who love to fuck.

[Rooster Guzzlers @RGuzzlers]

the drill and the chords are running together to create most beautiful music i've ever heard. i wake up and i am actually at Altamont 99' a big hells angels fucker is kicking the shit out of me for screaming "i don't want my pizza burnin'" to the tune of beast of burden.
(3/???)

[Rooster Guzzlers @RGuzzlers]

hippie dentist starts to drill my teeth bc of the many cavities i have from eating the "all natural" peanut butter from publix but phish is playing over the office speakers and trey rips into a bitchin' guitar solo and he just can't help himself he's groovin and movin
(1/???)

[Rooster Guzzlers @RGuzzlers]

the drill is going this way and that in time to the music and he's spinning the drill around like hendrix @ woodstock in '69 and i should be screaming but i am peaking on six hits of white lightening that was made by owlsley stanely himself
(2/???)

[Rooster Guzzlers @RGuzzlers]

this is the LAST time I buy nutterbutters from a sex shop (1/25)

[Rooster Guzzlers @RGuzzlers]

trying to recapture that "naked at school on exam day" stress dream energy but joining zoom calls in the nude just isn't the same.

[Rooster Guzzlers @RGuzzlers]

buddhist temple master at the computer: one day if u really apply urself you will reach enlightenment

me: *solves the sacredtexts dot org captcha in one attempt*

master: holy fuck

[Rooster Guzzlers @RGuzzlers]

choose your fighter

[Rooster Guzzlers @RGuzzlers]

bad ass ninja master: it is time to teach you my most ancient and sacred technique, the poison palm strike. remember to use it only for good, never for evil

*perfectly taps a keg as the assembled ninja clan members go absolutely apeshit*

[Rooster Guzzlers @RGuzzlers]

they say find a job u love and u will never work a day in ur life but have u ever seen an unemployed ghost

[Rooster Guzzlers @RGuzzlers]

I know alien abductions aren't real because if they were we'd get at least one abduction report like "was promised the "full probe" experience but they just slipped a finger in my butthole and called it a day. VERY DISAPPOINTED!!!"

[Rooster Guzzlers @RGuzzlers]

To err is human, but to really be horny you need to use a computer

[Rooster Guzzlers @RGuzzlers]

Cheese is just milk sawdust

[Rooster Guzzlers @RGuzzlers]

23andme sounds like the missed connection for a gangbang

[Rooster Guzzlers @RGuzzlers]

Egg salad is the dark matter of picnic foods

[Rooster Guzzlers @RGuzzlers]

Kanye West running for President is like Dick Van Dyke running for Head Lesbian

[Rooster Guzzlers @RGuzzlers]

Under the fourth amendment you have to formally consent to quarter soldiers in your home. You know who *else* needs your consent to enter your home?

Vampires.

[Rooster Guzzlers @RGuzzlers]

2020 is like that Jorge Luis Borges story about the library of Babel except that instead of a room containing every book known to man it's one book containing the name of every person on earth and they're all getting cancelled.

[Rooster Guzzlers @RGuzzlers]

I drink Diet Pepsi because it reminds me of my childhood - mostly positive, but easily drowned out by tequila.

[Rooster Guzzlers @RGuzzlers]

The president said we should start testing whether or not injecting UV Rays into people will kill coronavirus.

I’m not saying it’s a bad idea, but I’m not sick and I got a pocket, got a pocket full of sunshine.

Oh. Oh whoa oh.