Jess Slothstronaut

number one dog mom on the west side/ number one chef wife on the east side

[Jess Slothstronaut @ROARlikealionTY]

@Jaime_Lynn16 It’s hard being the only yard on the block with leaves! Also I have a plethora of bees in my front yard right now (I did mow the backyard so my stubby legged senior pup can potty) but am one of only 2 houses on the street who haven’t mowed yet and im trying to hold out thru may

[Jess Slothstronaut @ROARlikealionTY]

@Stalter24 get ready

[Padma Lakshmi @PadmaLakshmi]

I’m so proud of you @KristenLKish and am over the moon that you’ll be taking over for me on @BravoTopChef!!! I’ll be rooting for you and our whole crew next season. Congratulations!!! 🎉

[Jess Slothstronaut @ROARlikealionTY]

@Jaime_Lynn16 Legit the exact same thing happened to me and the exact same thought process. “Oh look lightning bugs! Happy summer!” 😂

The bugs must know somehow. I suspect they also use the Gregorian calendar.

[Jess Slothstronaut @ROARlikealionTY]

@Jaime_Lynn16 They just ✨get✨me

[Jess Slothstronaut @ROARlikealionTY]

@Griz @Bonnaroo @RKSBandOfficial Yes please!!! It’s what the people want. Show me the gold(en hour)

[GRiZ 🌈 @Griz]

@Bonnaroo @RKSBandOfficial If you need a sunset vibes chill hang out (ctgh) set i gotchu 🫡🫡🫡

[Ted Lasso @TedLasso]

Haven’t seen this many anchormen drop since Channel 4 News took on the Evening News Team in a San Diego alley.

[Jess Slothstronaut @ROARlikealionTY]

Nail salons are to ladies as barber shops are to men as therapy is to millennials

How long has everyone else known this and why am I only just now figuring this out

[Jess Slothstronaut @ROARlikealionTY]

“I want a fog machine.. for my first dance” - Kara B / Pittsburgh wedding expo

[Jess Slothstronaut @ROARlikealionTY]

@rekhaoutloud I didn’t even know she was touring! Just looked it up and she’s not coming to Cbus 🥲. I’d say let me know how she is but I already know it’s GONNA BE LEGENDARY

[Jess Slothstronaut @ROARlikealionTY]

The Sous chefs have requested we listen to Madonna while cooking (great choice) and that they get to sample everything made (not great choice)

[Jess Slothstronaut @ROARlikealionTY]

What I posted
&
What my mom (whose had 4 kids) said

Bless her

[Jess Slothstronaut @ROARlikealionTY]

Just twerkin through this thing called life

[Jess Slothstronaut @ROARlikealionTY]

When is the Ina Garten Summerhouse crossover coming out

@BravoTV

[Jess Slothstronaut @ROARlikealionTY]

Overheard @ the mall

“The first time my boyfriend and I broke up, he sent me a sad TikTok”

#GenZ

Also can you plz send me the TikTok I’m curious

[Jess Slothstronaut @ROARlikealionTY]

@Jaime_Lynn16 Mine is 88%

[p @9753289p]

what is joe biden’s plan to unpause the ticketmaster queue for taylor swift’s eras tour

[molly @mollyerlanger]

taylor swift calls herself a feminist and yet she puts me (a WOMAN) on the waitlist for tickets to her tour

[Jess Slothstronaut @ROARlikealionTY]

People who don’t understand daylight savings: children , pets , me