roberto reed scalise

Avid Comedian | BLM | he/him
What made me sure? Knowing I would fail.

[roberto reed scalise @robertoScalise_]

This morning I got on a packed elevator before realizing I had left my wallet in my dorm. This wasn’t an issue except that I always check for my wallet by slapping my back pocket.

So I got onto this elevator,
I said good morning,
turned around,
slapped my own ass
and didn’t move

[roberto reed scalise @robertoScalise_]

@jordananye P🅱️oy

[roberto reed scalise @robertoScalise_]

@Mktrimp Lemme know if you want the master list of weekly mics 🤌👀😼🔥

[roberto reed scalise @robertoScalise_]

It’s me

[roberto reed scalise @robertoScalise_]

@dan_the_dan_the I’ve told it enough times I forgot how completely out of place this clip seems but yes I can promise context exists

[roberto reed scalise @robertoScalise_]

Two shows tonight!! 8pm at UMD and 10pm in Alexandria at the Galactic Panther Art Gallery

DM me for details!

[roberto reed scalise @robertoScalise_]

@Lisa4Whit That kid deserved a hearty smack 👉

[roberto reed scalise @robertoScalise_]

@TooFastSpindash Dicks*

[roberto reed scalise @robertoScalise_]

Y’all wanna see a mfin comedy show tonight? 10pm in Fells Pt, Baltimore. Hosted by yours truly!

[roberto reed scalise @robertoScalise_]

@Lisa4Whit @helianthii We each take our inspirations from somewhere. You- the devil, me- Justin Bieber and we’re all worse off for it

[George Wallace @MrGeorgeWallace]

WIZARD👏HATS👏AND👏DUNCE👏CAPS👏ARE👏TOO👏SIMILAR👏I'M👏SICK👏AND👏TIRED👏OF👏THINKIN'👏I'M👏HANGIN'👏 WITH👏A👏DAMN👏WIZARD👏BUT👏IT👏TURNS👏👏OUT👏TO👏BE👏A👏DUNCE👏AND👏THEY👏CAN👏BARELY👏DO👏A👏SINGLE👏MAGIC👏SPELL👏AND👏WHATNOT!!!

[roberto reed scalise @robertoScalise_]

@helianthii

[roberto reed scalise @robertoScalise_]

I’m 27 words into a pilot time for a break 😎

[roberto reed scalise @robertoScalise_]

This was for @LongConga

[roberto reed scalise @robertoScalise_]

Talking about Spider-Man: No Way Home just begins and ends with
“Wasn’t that shit good?”
“That shit was GOOD”

[roberto reed scalise @robertoScalise_]

George Carlin would have lots to say about this

[roberto reed scalise @robertoScalise_]

This tweet feels so two years ago

[roberto reed scalise @robertoScalise_]

Screw your star sign I wanna know if you say “Like Monopoly!”

[roberto reed scalise @robertoScalise_]

I did good tonight tho unrelated

[roberto reed scalise @robertoScalise_]

I’ve got a pair of brown pants that I’ve never bombed on stage while wearing, which is too bad because sometimes I really shit myself

[roberto reed scalise @robertoScalise_]

This is growth

[roberto reed scalise @robertoScalise_]

Even if it’s all simulated I might as well stay stimulated