S*** Rodney Says

There is a guy named Rodney. He says funny things. #OhRodney

[Rodney Bollinger @rbollinger01]

Facebook should confirm whether or not people want to post a duck-face selfie before they do it; and if they say yes then their phone melts.

[Rodney Bollinger @rbollinger01]

When you are in deep shit, look straight ahead, keep your mouth shut, and say nothing.

[Rodney Bollinger @rbollinger01]

Autocorrect changed "meeting" to "mating" and now my boss and I aren't meeting with Tom after work.

[S*** Rodney Says @Rodney_Says]

@rodneyb01 Not impressed with this Blues game you are. Be funny on Twitter instead you have. Enjoy, you must.

[S*** Rodney Says @Rodney_Says]

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That's how I roll.

[S*** Rodney Says @Rodney_Says]

If you are ever attacked by a gang of clowns, go for the juggler.

[S*** Rodney Says @Rodney_Says]

What do you call a black man who flies a plane?

A pilot, you racist.

[S*** Rodney Says @Rodney_Says]

Why did Star Wars episodes 4,5, and 6 come out before 1,2, and 3?

Because in charge of scheduling, Yoda was.

[S*** Rodney Says @Rodney_Says]

How do you make Holy water?

Put it in a pot and boil the hell out of it.

[S*** Rodney Says @Rodney_Says]

What is Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination?

Hhhhaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnndddddddddeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!

[S*** Rodney Says @Rodney_Says]

What is the resemblance between a red apple and a green apple?

They are both red except for the green one.

[S*** Rodney Says @Rodney_Says]

What happened to the cow that jumped over the barbed-wire fence?

Udder destruction.

[S*** Rodney Says @Rodney_Says]

What do you call a Nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile

[S*** Rodney Says @Rodney_Says]

And God said to John, "Come forth and you shall have eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.

[S*** Rodney Says @Rodney_Says]

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an agnostic, and an insomniac?

Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

[S*** Rodney Says @Rodney_Says]

Have you heard the rumor going around about the butter? Never mind I shouldn't spread it.

[S*** Rodney Says @Rodney_Says]

What did one orphan say to the other?

"Robin, get in the Batmobile."

[S*** Rodney Says @Rodney_Says]

I have the heart of a lion... And a lifetime ban from the St. Louis Zoo.

[S*** Rodney Says @Rodney_Says]

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

[S*** Rodney Says @Rodney_Says]

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.