tragically thique

the moon is my gf
🌒🌓🌔🌕🌖🌗🌘

[tragically thique @RooseveltHammer]

In the name of the prazosin, the efexor, and the holy hydroxyzine, amen

[tragically thique @RooseveltHammer]

@efrainelbarbero @JJFan18 @brndxix And everyone knows billionaires are satisfied with the wealth they have and don't seek more. They're notorious for not caring about money.

[tragically thique @RooseveltHammer]

i just opened a fortune cookie from dinner, somebody tell me why my fortune was a GODDAMN @WAYMO ADVERTISEMENT? WITH A SPONSORED AND THEMED FORTUNE AND SCANNABLE QR CODE? WHAT IN THE LATE STAGE CAPITALISM??? CAN I JUST EAT A COOKIE AND NOT BE CONSTANTLY ADVERTISED TO PLEASE????

[tragically thique @RooseveltHammer]

Husband, punching my buttcheeks: have you ever experienced "1000 years of pain"?
Me: Yeah, why?
Husband: Really? Who did it? Was it (butt obsessed bestie)?
Me: Oh, is it the name of a thing? I thought you just meant like living with my parents or something.

[tragically thique @RooseveltHammer]

Thankful for my favorite food group, caffeinated beverages

[tragically thique @RooseveltHammer]

Setting off fireworks for veterans day is crazy work.

[tragically thique @RooseveltHammer]

@joshgroban hey man, do you think you'll ever release a cover of homeward bound? i need a new song for cathartic car crying during my commute

[tragically thique @RooseveltHammer]

I had to go to the pharmacy after work and I'm very hungry and it's a long line and I only have money for my medicine and not a little treat and in conclusion god really does give his toughest battles to his strongest warriors

[tragically thique @RooseveltHammer]

pretty messed up that i am expected to participate in capitalism when i am but lowercase

[tragically thique @RooseveltHammer]

ADHD moment of the day: I've been missing the 3rd month bottle of my 3-month supply of one of my meds for ages. I just found it, I had put it next to the spice rack and my brain has just been autocorrecting it to a spice bottle. Because who wouldn't season a meal with prazosin?

[tragically thique @RooseveltHammer]

"The normal amount of pain is none"? Yeah, all right, and the tooth fairy and santa claus are real and they come over to my house to play poker every week.

[tragically thique @RooseveltHammer]

Friend: Eefs, I think you may have walking pneumonia.
Me: Hmm... no, I don't think so, because that's expensive. I have something more in the "copious amounts of delsym should fix it, right?" range.

[tragically thique @RooseveltHammer]

Husband: *concerned* umm your lips are blue?!
Me, whose body keeps the score and I'm a high scoring champ on the leaderboard: yeah, probably

[tragically thique @RooseveltHammer]

To the barista who put whole milk instead of almond milk in my coffee this morning, I hope fate or circumstance brought you to the Home Depot gender neutral bathroom right after I left it, so that you may know the consequences of your actions.

[tragically thique @RooseveltHammer]

When it's a low blood pressure day, but you have the day off work, no plans that require you to walk or stand, and a king sized mattress that you barely have to leave so if you do pass out you just land gently on pillows and squishmallows>>>>>

[tragically thique @RooseveltHammer]

All of the feminism leaves my body when there's a salesperson at the door. My favorite sentence is "Oh my husband handles that, he's not available right now, sorry." Spoiler alert, he doesn't want it either. Neither of us handles it.

[tragically thique @RooseveltHammer]

2 facts about me that have the same energy:
1. My favorite restaurant is a tie between Le Papillon in San Jose, CA, and Taco Bell
2. My favorite dessert is a tie between tiramisu and dirt cups

[tragically thique @RooseveltHammer]

Happy Fatherless Day to my fellow baddies without daddies ✌️🤠

[tragically thique @RooseveltHammer]

Amazon needs some type of plug in breathalyzer or something you gotta use before you can purchase, bc this weekend I bought an evening gown for no event