x- Ryan Archer

below average hockey dad and 4th line centre for the Dirty Birds, the greatest team in the history of recreational sport

[culture @notgwendalupe]

38 years ago, Rick Astley released 'Never Gonna Give You Up'

[Andrew Scheer @AndrewScheer]

Carney saying different things to different people.

How can we trust him to get big nation-building projects built if he’s not strong enough to commit to them?

Carney and Trudeau cancelled pipelines. That made us more dependent on the US.

Nothing will change with Carney.

[Marc Nixon @MarcNixon24]

This Conservative Ad is 🔥

No wonder Donald Trump is backing Mark Carney and the Liberals.

[The Sting @TheStingisBack]

The Big Lebowski was released OTD in 1998.
This movie is a pop culture phenomenon. It's influence has spawned festivals, art, philosophy, academic analysis and even religion, you can now be ordained as a Dudeist priest. The Dude is simply an icon. And I for one, abide.

[Marc Nixon @MarcNixon24]

Reporter: “What’s your reaction to Danielle Smith not signing the joint Canada-first approach with other premiers? Will this hurt our talks with Trump?”

Pierre Poilievre’s response? 🔥

Incredible. Brilliant. Unfiltered truth.

This is the leadership Canada needs. 🇨🇦

[Danielle Smith @ABDanielleSmith]

How about this for building a “Team Canada 🇨🇦” approach?

1. Stop threatening the livelihoods of tens of thousands of Albertans & Canadians via an energy export tax or ban.

2. Immediately start construction on the Northern Gateway & Energy East pipelines to diversify our customer base to Europe, Asia and our own country

3. Tell Germany, Japan and the rest of the world that there is, in fact, a “business case” for Canadian oil and gas to be sold to them

4. Repeal the unconstitutional and job killing production cap, electricity regs and C-69

5. Treat with respect, and as an equal partner, the Alberta taxpayers that have been transferring hundreds of billions to Quebec, the Maritimes and even Ontario, for decades.

Let’s start there on building our “Team Canada” approach shall we?

[Kevin Dalton @TheKevinDalton]

Kamala Harris just got hit with the biggest fact check in human history

[Missin Curfew @MissinCurfew]

💔😢

Rest in Peace Johnny Gaudreau

[Breaking News Jack. @jackmeridan]

Accurate

[x- Ryan Archer @RyanArcher99]

@cmcdavid97 you got this! Bring Stanley back home. #letsgooilers

[Shooter McGavin @ShooterMcGavin]

Welcome to the club, Scottie.

[Puck Preps Western Canada @PuckPrepsWestCa]

Luke Ruptash with the rush goal for Team Gold vs Team Black. #2024WHLDraft

[BaseballHistoryNut @nut_history]

Nico, who has down syndrome, is a huge Albert Pujols fan. Pujols, whose own child has down syndrome too, made sure to make Nico’s day.

[Ryan Whitney @ryanwhitney6]

Oilers vs Stars recap https://t.co/ge4r4cvxBB

[Rob Gucci @heatdaddy69420]

[John Tortorella at Starbucks]

Barista: Hi welcome in what can I get started for you today?

Torts: I’m doin well ahh-

*torts looks up at the menu and squints while he finds what he’s looking for. He keeps looking at the menu for an extended amount of time without looking back at the barista. The barista takes note of this*

Barista: is there something I could help you find?

Torts: Yeah no, no

Barista: yes?

*torts folds his arms and looks at the guy directly in the eye. He quickly shakes his head back and forth*

torts: no, I said no

*Torts looks back up at the menu, lets out an outrageous fart that fucking stinks, and then finally looks back at the Barista*

Torts: I’ll just do a ahh, one of those pumpkin spice lattes ya got

Barista: Oh I’m sorry sir, if thats what you were searching for, that’s not on the menu..it's not in season right now at this location. some locations carry it year round but unfortunately we no longer serve them

torts: what do you mean in season? there's seasons for coffee now? i mean jesus christ is that what you're tellin me right now? that there's seasons for coffee?

*the barista senses that tortorella is about to cause a scene, he nervously looks behind him for assistance but nobody is there*

barista: yes unfortunately they like to come out with the pumpkin flavored beverages around late august and then usually they're no longer an item on the menu that's available by the end of autumn

*tortorella looks down at the floor and shakes his head in disgust. he lets out a heavy sigh of breath out of his nostrils and chuckles in a sarcastic way*

torts: well lemme ask ya this my friend, do you have the ingredients to make the drink back there? do you have the pumpkin horseshit? cause all ya need for the drink is the coffee and the milk and the pumpkin shit. if you have the pumpkin flavored syrup thing, you can make me the drink. it cant be difficult

barista: ss-sir, I uh, i dont know if we do, but if we do, I just can't ring up that drink it's not something i'm even able to do right now. I don't think we have the pumpkin syrup but also there's cinnamon and ginger in the beverage as well.. and I know we don't have th-

*tortorella, now furious, interrupts*

torts: listen pal i dont give a rats ass about cinnamon sticks or gingerbread i just want the god damn pumpkin flavored bullshit in the coffee. you got me? i mean how hard is that for you to understand right now, jesus christ what is the matter with you? talkin about seasons for coffee and cinnabons i just want the fucking pumpkin spice latte drink thats all i fucking want. this is unbelievable

*the barista, incredibly nervous, caves to the pressure*

barista: ok sir, give me a moment let me see if we have the pumpkin syrup.. and if you want I can go ahead and make a regular latte for you and i can let you put in as much of the pumpkin syrup as you'd like

torts: why do I have to do it?

barista: because well, this way I can just ring you up for a normal latte and you can put the pumpkin in it to and it'll be close to the taste that you're going for

*tortorella gets as close to the counter at the register as he can. his legs are pressed against it, and he's leaning over the counter, nearly in the baristas face*

torts: [in a quiet voice] let me ask you something kid, do you have balls?

barista: wh, excuse me? alright this has gone on far too lon-

torts: you heard me. I asked you, man to man, do you have fucking balls in that sack of yours thats hanging below your lightswitch of a dick? answer the fucking question

barista: [reluctantly] ye...yes..

torts: [now pointing at where the baristas balls are] ok then. now take your balls, go back there, and see if you have the pumpkin bullshit for me, and we can go from there. got it? Lets start with that. Is that something you're capable of?

*all of a sudden the guy behind torts in line decides to chime in to the situation*

guy: hey man, come on, this is absolutely ridicul-

*before the guy even finishes his sentence, tortorella turns around and without hesitation he cold cocks the guy directly in the face with a right hook. the dude immediately goes down and hes unconscious on the floor. everyone in the coffee shop lets out a gasp or a scream. theres blood profusely leaking from the guys mouth*

torts: oh FUCK! jesus christ! stay the fuck out of my shit!

*the barista makes a run towards the back to call for help. torts jumps over the counter and chases him, he dives at full extension and tackles the barista with both his arms wrapped around the baristas legs*

torts: where the fuck do you think you're going you pussy get me the fucking pumpkin syrup you fucking coward!!!! jesus christ!!!!!!!!!! fuck!!!!!!!!!!

*out of nowhere, another starbucks employee rips his belt off his waste and slides in to help. he tries to wrap the belt around tortorellas neck in an effort to stop him from attacking his co-worker. Tortorella lets go of the baristas legs and is scrambling on the floor to get the belt unwrapped from his neck*

torts: [barely with any air] oh fuck you, you fucking pussy

*torts breaks free of the stranglehold and somehow maneuvers on the floor to get top position on the co-workers back, he gets full control of the belt. he wraps it around the co-workers neck and flips him upside down, the kid now laying on torts stomach while torts' back is on the floor while attempting to strangle him. out of nowhere, the kid gets a boner while this is happening and torts sees it and lets go of the belt and scrambles away from the kid*

torts: [screaming] what the fuck!!!!!!!!!

*torts b-lines it back towards the counter, leaps over it, and starts running through the lobby towards the door. as he's about to push open the glass door and burst through, he notices a SWAT team is outside in the parking lot and dives sideways toward the floor. The swat team fires hundreds of rounds of ammunition at the starbucks and are screaming over a loudspeaker for tortorella to surrender and come out with his hands up. glass is shattering everywhere, bullets are ringing off the metal framing of the front doors*

*tortorella army crawls towards the counter and crawls around it, taking cover behind the register. he looks around and crawls back further into the store, frantically searching for the pumpkin syrup. at this point, the barista and his coworker have escaped through the drive thru window. torts finds the syrup and then somehow, through hundreds of bullets and stun grenades blasting through the starbucks, pours himself a latte and adds the syrup to it. He takes a sip and burns his mouth*

torts: oh FUCK off. what the fuck!!!!!!!!!!

stay tuned for part 2...

[Paul Mitchell @PaulMitchell_AB]

Justin Trudeau goes on another foreign trip to educate the world with his wisdom and speaking expertise.

Just kidding.

[Fake Mark Carney @MarkCarney_Ego]

Last night I attended my first #PWHL game, right here in Ottawa.

Of course, I did a bunch of cocaine first.

Here's a video of me in the stands, clapping like an absolute maniac, because I still hadn't come down off my high yet.

[Ryan Whitney @ryanwhitney6]

I need as much Stauff in my life as humanly possible. That little shimmy shake at the 5 year old was world class.

Shoutout @OilersNation for this #LetsGoOilers

[WE𝕏IT Barbie @WEXITBarbie]

#BlackFriday is @JustinTrudeau's favorite day of the year

[Great Outdoors Comedy Festival @greatoutdoorsCF]

Comin' in hot, Edmonton... 🔥

'The Machine' @BertKreischer alongside @WhitneyCummings and @StephTolev on Sunday, July 14th at Kinsmen Park.

Use code MACHINE for early access to tickets starting THURSDAY at 10am MST.

#GOCF #Edmonton #YEG #yeglive #ExploreEdmonton #yegevents