Sam Eam

[Sam Eam @SamEam]

I’m gonna tell my kids this was Lady Gaga in her meat dress at the 2010 VMAs.

[Sam Eam @SamEam]

@AYOchab

[Sam Eam @SamEam]

Took the case off my phone today, best believe I dropped that shit down the stairs right after.

[Sam Eam @SamEam]

But does Hawaii's votes even fucking matter? Y'all niggas know who wins before your poll closes.

[Sam Eam @SamEam]

@BrendanRG what's your dex looking like?

[Sam Eam @SamEam]

@MackZorris_ No match for this squad full of Vapes.

[Sam Eam @SamEam]

I just need dos mas Pikachus to evolve and every time I run into one the app freezes. Niantic, I'm gonna Raichu some hate mail.

[Sam Eam @SamEam]

@BrendanRG peep this bullshit, I've gotten three goddamn Vaporeons.

[Sam Eam @SamEam]

You haven't lived life until you've seen a drunk midget hitting the dab at Fenway.

[Sam Eam @SamEam]

I can't imagine anything I want more right now than being in the bottom of a puppy pigpile with them fighting for all my cuddles. 🐶🐕

[Sam Eam @SamEam]

Watching my friend's three minute SnapChat story of a midget wrestling federation event he's at. #blessed

[Sam Eam @SamEam]

My mom got mad at me for getting mad at her for waking me up to ask if I was asleep. What.

[Sam Eam @SamEam]

Besides lunch I've stayed in my bed all day. Managed to start filling out my taxes, pay my tuition, and set up my 401k. Adulting ain't bad.

[Sam Eam @SamEam]

@_isamella_ They watch us. Next you're gonna find one that says "I just want to stay in and watch bad military movies and destroy tacos".

[Sam Eam @SamEam]

If I won $900 million, half of it would be spent on Simard's waffle fries and pizza rolls.

[Sam Eam @SamEam]

I've been at work for two hours and I'm already sick of today.

[Sam Eam @SamEam]

A day's worth of bitching goes down the drain, when you lay in my bed and pick my brain.

[Sam Eam @SamEam]

Think your Monday morning is bad? When I went to the bathroom today, I forgot I had just cut jalapeños. Don't worry, my penis reminded me.

[Sam Eam @SamEam]

I welcomed in 2016 by staying in my bed for like 14 hours and I would've had it no other way.