Samantha Card

dainty hooligan

[lil arab @sweatyhairy]

got my feelings hurt in a rap battle last weekend. don't want to go into too many details but my gf dove into topics we agreed were off limits beforehand

[David Levithan @loversdiction]

origin, n.: You tell me I’ll never see your home, because it doesn’t exist anymore. I say you’ll have to rebuild it for me out of stories.

[Samantha Card @SammyCard]

Ok I have to be asleep in 13 mins to function tomorrow

[kob£ @offiicialkobe]

"Umm ur card was declined"

first of all lower your voice

[lil arab @sweatyhairy]

if I let u merge in front of me, we are now dating and u r my partner. pick u up Friday, I’ll drive since that’s not ur strong suit

[keanu doing things @keanuthings]

keanu reeves shoving a bottle of wine into his jacket and riding off on his motorcycle

[lil arab @sweatyhairy]

people called steve jobs an innovator for the iphone but nobody calls me that for inventing a new personality anytime I need to convince someone to sleep with me

[Samantha Card @SammyCard]

Hangover level: laying outside in the pouring rain hoping it will fill my water glass up enough to drink it.

[Samantha Card @SammyCard]

Did it just now. Seriously more satisfying than chugging it, makes it feel like you’re doing more work than you have to which you are. Also eating organic goldfish crackers called cheddar bunnies.

[Samantha Card @SammyCard]

Hangover level: I’ve been seriously debating doing this with iced tea for about an hour

[Samantha Card @SammyCard]

@CassandraMilz Yikes

[Samantha Card @SammyCard]

@CassandraMilz Hi

[James @CaucasianJames]

Would like to apologize to my haters for being an absolute snack

[🏮 @esjonnyy]

when you swallow your pride and double text but you still get left on read https://t.co/JoCC0A23mm

[Samantha Card @SammyCard]

Ok a fire truck, ambulance and a cop car are across the street with their lights on.

[gary from teen mom @garyfromteenmom]

every guy that attacks women for their appearance uses 2 in 1 shampoo