Mike Schiff

I'm flattered that you're reading this.

[Mike Schiff @SchiffyM]

This seems like the best time I'll ever have to mention that I nearly hit Angela Lansbury with a shopping cart in a grocery store maybe four years ago, but I heroically stopped the cart in the nick of time.

[Mike Schiff @SchiffyM]

@GinaIppy @Alex___Logan I don't remember if it was my idea, but my name's on the script so I definitely typed it! (We contorted the story to make Shatner land on Earth in the wrong city just so we could justify his arriving by airplane.) #3rdRock

[Mike Schiff @SchiffyM]

REPORT: iPhone translation app will be able to tell you in real time what the T and C mean on a rapid Covid test. #iPhone14

[Mike Schiff @SchiffyM]

REPORT: Apple News will now show exclusively celebrity commentary on Will Smith slapping Chris Rock at a show where people in movies give each other awards, because that’s all that matters in 2022. #iPhone14

[Mike Schiff @SchiffyM]

REPORT: New iPhone will change “I could care less” to “I couldn’t care less” in every instance and make that permanent so you can never ever change it back no matter how hard you try, you complete moron. #iPhone14

[Mike Schiff @SchiffyM]

REPORT: Pro models of new iPhone will allow you to not only find your friends, but sense that they’re having a better time with other people than with you, as you already knew deep down. #iPhone14

[Mike Schiff @SchiffyM]

REPORT: New iPhone facial recognition feature can tell you whether that one guy in new “Fantastic Beasts” movie was in previous “Fantastic Beasts” movie that you totally forgot. #iPhone14

[Mike Schiff @SchiffyM]

REPORT: New iPhone will tell you where to find local pickleball games, because all anybody ever talks about is pickleball anymore so fuck it, your phone may as well, too. #iPhone14

[Mike Schiff @SchiffyM]

REPORT: In addition to search engines Google, Bing, Yahoo, and DuckDuckGo, new iPhone will allow you to choose Ragdoll, Splinterama, Zifty, and Pompadour. #iPhone14

[Mike Schiff @SchiffyM]

REPORT: New iPhone always-on feature will include flashlight and speaker. #iPhone14

[Mike Schiff @SchiffyM]

REPORT: New iPhone will get needy when you don’t touch it for over an hour and play Ravel’s Bolero on a loop until you randomly scroll through Instagram. #iPhone14

[Mike Schiff @SchiffyM]

REPORT: When temperatures top 100°, new iPhone will take screenshot of weather app while you sleep and post it on social media for you. #iPhone14

[Mike Schiff @SchiffyM]

REPORT: Advanced new iPhone autocorrect feature will automatically generate furious screed about “Lord of the Rings” TV series. #iPhone14

[Mike Schiff @SchiffyM]

@MarcPreyAuthor Sorry, just saw this. Would I ever? Yes. But couldn't right now, under the terms of the thing I'm currently doing.

[Mike Schiff @SchiffyM]

SoCal drought is real and terrible, but I'm confused by water saving tips I'm reading. They're basically "Remember, no need to fill your bathtub when you floss" or "Blow out birthday candles instead of using a garden hose." Have I been accidentally saving water all this time?

[Mike Schiff @SchiffyM]

@MarcPreyAuthor That is so nice to hear! Thank you! Miss those people and that show so much (but just had a nice lunch with @missmayalynne yesterday). Working hard on what’s next, but too superstitious to say!

[Mike Schiff @SchiffyM]

My pitch for a new Star Trek series is “Star Trek: Nitrion.” It’s pretty much like all the other Star Treks, except the spaceship in this one is called the U.S.S. Nitrion, which has more advanced engines. And screw it, the villains are called the Bar’Nuq.

[Mike Schiff @SchiffyM]

EXCLUSIVE: Advances in CG will allow the Na’vi in “Avatar 2” to have lifelike flesh tones instead of blue and realistic heights in the five to six foot range.

[Mike Schiff @SchiffyM]

Teenagers today will never understand that when I was their age, there was a movie called “Krull” and we all thought “Sure, that could be a name for a movie,” and we just went about our lives like everything was perfectly normal.

[Mike Schiff @SchiffyM]

I've been a Los Angeles Rams fan through thick and thin. And by that, I mean the only Rams game I ever watched was today's, but they were losing for a while.