Simon Shepherd

Spreadsheet jockey by day, asleep by night. Your local purveyor of mediocrity and puns.

[Simon Shepherd @ScribingShep]

For their wickedness, the pastry chefs were cast into the outer kitchen, a realm of weeping icing and ganaching of teeth.

[Simon Shepherd @ScribingShep]

Famed British authoress and basketball star Charlotte Lebrontë

[Simon Shepherd @ScribingShep]

"This movie is based on a true story. Names have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals involved. Some events were also changed. And the rest of the events, to punch up the story a bit. But that scene where someone eats nachos? Totally happened in real life."

[Simon Shepherd @ScribingShep]

Overnight oats with kefir, monkfruit, vanilla extract, and blueberries.

The sweetest and fruitiest papier-mâché I have ever eaten.

[Simon Shepherd @ScribingShep]

"I call this dish 'Anne Shirley breaking a slate over Gilbert Blythe's head'."
"Really? What all's in it?"
"Steamed carrots."

[Simon Shepherd @ScribingShep]

On the walk back from picking up a package, I saw a few swallows drive off a hawk over the parking lot.
Felt like this was worth noting.

[Simon Shepherd @ScribingShep]

I grew up with this style of pitchers and tumblers, although the colors were a lot more muted. Fun to see them come back into style!

[Simon Shepherd @ScribingShep]

I think one of the most frustrating parts of using a @MotorolaUS Edge is its habit of resetting all of my apps if I look away from it for five whole minutes.

I will never catch up to my feeds again.

[Simon Shepherd @ScribingShep]

"You don't often get emails from this address! Learn why this is suspicious!"

It's a monthly invoice, Outlook ... I'm kind of glad they're not coming more often.

[Simon Shepherd @ScribingShep]

Turning to my ancestors for guidance in cooking.
The spirit of Great-grandma Lucy got half a sentence out before her husband Mario's spirit blurted "Don't trust that woman, she's from Molise and she'll make you think it's okay to use oregano--"
They've been arguing for two hours.

[Jared Moskowitz @JaredEMoskowitz]

We went faster to concentration camps than I expected.

[Simon Shepherd @ScribingShep]

I die a little inside every time I'm assigned an application from a provider group with the most generic possible practice name and no website. How am I supposed to make a convincing argument to contract with The Inscrutable?

[Simon Shepherd @ScribingShep]

Whoever designs UIs like this (on the @MotorolaUS Edge) should be sentenced to a life of involuntary hand tremors absolutely ruining everything they try to do.

The number of times I've force-closed all apps while trying to tap the space bar is just embarrassing.

[Simon Shepherd @ScribingShep]

"4 apps cleared and X number of MB of RAM cleared for you!"

Along with a draft that I didn't get to save, because someone put Clear All right next to the App Swap button that I pressed by mistake while trying to use the space bar.

[Simon Shepherd @ScribingShep]

I've had this account for how many years now, and suddenly @X decides I might not be human.

Then again, with the autism, I have my doubts myself some days. It is what it is.

[Seth Mandel @SethAMandel]

The commission on Hamas sexual violence against Israelis “has examined over 10,000 photographs and videos of the attack totalling more than 1,800 hours of visual analysis.”

Conversely, someone told Nick Kristof that Zionist dogs are trained to rape Arabs, so he wrote that.

[Simon Shepherd @ScribingShep]

Somewhere after midnight
In my wildest fantasy
Somewhere just beyond my range
Someone's singing treble E

[Simon Shepherd @ScribingShep]

🎶 I need a tenor
I'm holding out for a tenor till the end of this song
And he's gotta be good
And he's gotta sing high
And his voice should both blend and be strong

[Simon Shepherd @ScribingShep]

It is not inappropriate that the name of the person spamming my work inbox makes their email address shill@nextdoor ...

[Simon Shepherd @ScribingShep]

I really wish smoke detectors had a way to announce the end of their functioning life that WASN'T three sharp beeps every minute starting at 4:30 in the morning.