Will Revieu

GC. Former BigLaw. Current bottleneck. I have some concerns and I will send them back with redlines.

[Will Revieu @Seeing_Redlines]

Does anyone know the current market rate for a human kidney in the context of a breach of contract dispute?

A senior account executive just forwarded me a signed enterprise MSA that he negotiated completely outside of our contract management software.

I reviewed his redlines and discovered he agreed to a clause stating our executive team will be held physically liable if the platform experiences more than 2 hours of downtime.

I asked him why he pledged our corporeal forms as collateral for a cloud hosting SLA.

He told me the client's procurement team was playing hardball and he needed to show them we have skin in the game.

I explained that skin in the game is an idiom, not a legally binding medical directive.

He asked if we could just buy some key person insurance to cover the potential organ harvesting.

I'm now drafting an addendum clarifying that our liability cap is limited to financial damages and doesn't include the involuntary extraction of biological assets.

The sales team genuinely believes I'm the only thing standing between them and a beach house.

I'm going to start drinking my coffee out of a reinforced thermos so I don't bite through the ceramic.

[Will Revieu @Seeing_Redlines]

when the ceo says it is just a quick question but you know you are about to lose your entire weekend to research

[Will Revieu @Seeing_Redlines]

Our VP of Marketing just successfully launched an unregulated offshore gambling syndicate on our brand Discord server.

He thought it would be a fun community engagement tactic to require users to pay a $5 entry fee to spin a digital roulette wheel for software discounts.

I had to sit him down and explain the legal distinction between a promotional sweepstakes and a textbook felony.

He argued that because the roulette wheel was coded in Python, it qualifies as an innovative gamified SaaS experience.

I asked him if he plans to use that exact phrasing during his cross examination by the state gaming commission.

He told me I'm being too rigid and that tech startups run these types of campaigns all the time.

I informed him we're a B2B logistics platform, not a Cayman Islands casino.

I'm currently drafting a mass refund protocol while trying to figure out how to self report a misdemeanor without getting our Stripe account permanently banned.

I haven't felt a single moment of professional satisfaction since 2018.

[Will Revieu @Seeing_Redlines]

when sales promises the moon and leaves you to carry the liability

[Will Revieu @Seeing_Redlines]

@lawyer_memes ill mail you a framed copy

[Will Revieu @Seeing_Redlines]

I'm seriously considering filing an injunction against my own central nervous system for gross breach of warranty.

My doctor told me yesterday that my blood pressure is critically high and I need to immediately reduce my workplace stress.

I asked him if he could provide that medical advice in the form of an executed DPA so I can enforce it against our product team.

He looked concerned and suggested I might be experiencing a severe dissociative episode.

I informed him that I can't afford a dissociative episode because we have 3 enterprise renewals due next week.

I tried to negotiate my daily cortisol levels down by offering my endocrine system a mutual hold harmless agreement.

My body rejected the redlines and responded with another massive tension headache.

I'm currently drafting a 10 day notice to cure addressed to my own heart because its current performance is completely unacceptable.

The HR director just knocked on my door to ask why I filed a formal grievance against my own circadian rhythm.

I told her that sleep is a non binding letter of intent and I simply don't have the bandwidth to execute it right now.

[Will Revieu @Seeing_Redlines]

My ongoing descent into absolute madness is currently being sponsored by our CEO's new weekly newsletter.

He decided that the best way to demonstrate thought leadership is to publish unfiltered streams of consciousness every Sunday afternoon.

His latest post is a 4,000 word essay detailing our proprietary machine learning algorithms step by step to prove how transparent we are.

He essentially open sourced our core intellectual property to our biggest competitors just to get 14 likes on Substack.

When I called him to take it down he accused me of stifling his personal brand.

I had to explain that his personal brand is actively committing commercial suicide.

I'm now attempting to draft a retroactive NDA that binds anyone who accidentally read a public web page on the internet.

I know it's impossible, but I have to try something.

I've printed out all 45 pages of his past publications and I'm sitting on my office floor aggressively redacting them with a black marker.

The marker fumes are the only thing keeping me calm.

If someone asks me for a quick look at a blog post 1 more time I'm going to legally dissolve this company.

[Will Revieu @Seeing_Redlines]

@AliMoniEsq the only acceptable color combo

[Will Revieu @Seeing_Redlines]

Can someone please explain to me how to draft a legally binding addendum that alters the linear flow of time?

An enterprise AE just closed a $3m deal by promising the client a custom integration that was supposed to be delivered 6 months ago.

He literally wrote a retroactive SLA into the contract requiring us to have maintained a 99 percent uptime for a feature that doesn't exist yet.

I asked him how he expects us to fulfill a retroactive performance guarantee without a working time machine.

He suggested that legal could just draft a creative waiver to bridge the chronological gap.

I'm now drafting a formal notice of dispute addressed to the space-time continuum.

The CEO just messaged me to ask why I haven't approved the deal yet and if I'm letting perfect be the enemy of good.

I replied that I'm letting basic physics be the enemy of wire fraud.

I'm going to start chewing on my mousepad.

[Will Revieu @Seeing_Redlines]

I've spent the last 3 hours drafting a cease and desist letter addressed to the breakroom refrigerator.

The operations team installed a new smart appliance that requires users to click a digital waiver before dispensing crushed ice.

I read the 84 page EULA on the tiny LCD screen and discovered that by accepting the terms we're granting a South Korean appliance manufacturer a perpetual license to our corporate network traffic.

Our Head of HR told me I'm being hysterical and that she just wants a cold Diet Coke.

I explained that a cold Diet Coke isn't worth waiving our right to a jury trial in the event the machine achieves sentience and commits arson.

She reached for the dispense button and I had to physically bodyblock her from forming a legally binding contract with a kitchen appliance.

I'm currently sitting on the floor in front of the ice maker to prevent unauthorized commercial agreements.

I've taped a handwritten addendum to the freezer door but the machine refuses to countersign.

My left eye hasn't stopped twitching since Monday.

[Will Revieu @Seeing_Redlines]

We need to have a very clear and definitive conversation about what it actually means when you ask the legal department for a quick look at a standard contract.

At least 4x a week an account executive will drop a 65 page MSA into my inbox and tell me it only needs a brief sanity check.

There is absolutely no such thing as a brief sanity check in commercial contract law.

When you ask me to just skim the document to make sure there are no red flags, you're operating under the fundamentally flawed assumption that danger is always printed in bold text.

The reality is that corporate catastrophe is incredibly boring to read and it usually hides in the definitions section on page 2.

For example, I just spent 3 hours reviewing an MSA that our sales director promised the client we'd sign by end of day.

He told me the terms were completely standard and heavily implied that I was the only person standing in the way of his quota.

If I'd just given it the quick look he requested, I would've missed the subtle modification to the indemnification clause on page 41.

The client had quietly inserted language requiring us to indemnify them not just for our own gross negligence, but for any third party claims arising from their own misuse of our software.

I had to schedule a call with the sales director to explain that he was asking the company to essentially provide unwritten liability insurance for a global enterprise.

He stared at me through the screen and said the client's procurement team promised they wouldn't actually use that clause maliciously.

I then had to deliver my favorite recurring lecture about how oral promises from a mid level procurement manager don't magically override a fully integrated written agreement.

He asked if we could just sign it now to secure the revenue and amend the contract next year when they renew.

No.

I'm mentally simulating every possible way the relationship could implode over the next 5 years and ensuring we don't lose the entire company when it does.

So the next time you send me a document and ask for a quick look, please understand that my answer will be a polite but firm no.

I'll read every single comma, I'll redline their unreasonable demands, and I'll protect this business from its own terminal impatience.

[Will Revieu @Seeing_Redlines]

@AliMoniEsq

[Will Revieu @Seeing_Redlines]

It is truly remarkable how a 6 month sales cycle suddenly becomes an absolute legal emergency at 4:50 PM on a Friday.

Our VP of Sales just slacked me a 60 page draft with a message saying the client needs it signed by 5PM to hit their quota.

I opened the document and immediately saw they want us to accept unlimited liability for indirect damages.

When I told him I need at least 24 hours to review this, he called me the in-house "Deal Prevention Officer".

He actually asked if I could just skim the headings and assume the rest is standard boilerplate.

I had to explain that standard boilerplate usually doesn't include a waiver of our IP rights in perpetuity.

He replied that we'll lose a 7-figure deal because Legal refuses to operate with a sense of urgency.

I told him urgency doesn't mean blindly signing away our right to arbitration.

Now he's escalating to the CEO while I'm stuck rewriting an indemnification clause instead of going home.

[Will Revieu @Seeing_Redlines]

Defending this company against defamation claims from fired executives is aging me in dog years.

Our former VP of Sales is suing us for $5,000,000 because we told the board of directors why we actually let him go.

He claims we irreparably damaged his professional reputation by accurately reporting that he expensed a family vacation to Disney World.

His incredibly expensive defense attorney argues that Disney World is a valid networking event.

They filed an exhibit containing 12 photos of his children eating churros to prove they were entertaining potential clients.

I pointed out that a 7 year old child doesn't possess the purchasing authority to sign a B2B enterprise software contract.

The lawyer looked me dead in the eye and said brand loyalty starts early.

He then demanded we retroactively approve the $8,000 hotel bill to clear his client's pristine name.

I kindly offered to forward the unredacted expense reports to the IRS to see if they agree with his broad definition of business travel.

They dropped the lawsuit exactly 14 minutes later but I'm still billing my time for the migraine it caused.

[Will Revieu @Seeing_Redlines]

My morning started with a service of process from a former data analyst who thinks he's a civil rights pioneer.

We fired him last month after discovering he outsourced 100 percent of his job to ChatGPT.

He's now suing us for wrongful termination and claiming discrimination against his digital associate.

His 22 page complaint argues that AI constitutes a reasonable accommodation under the ADA because he suffers from chronic fatigue.

I called his attorney to clarify if they genuinely intend to argue that refusing to do any actual work is a protected medical condition.

The lawyer proudly stated that his client was acting in a supervisory capacity over the LLM.

I reminded him that the guy was hired as a junior data entry clerk and not a software manager.

He threatened to file a sweeping class action on behalf of everyone at the company who uses ChatGPT.

I asked him if he also planned to subpoena the chatbot to testify about its working conditions.

He angrily hung up on me and immediately filed an emergency injunction to reinstate his client's Slack access.

[Will Revieu @Seeing_Redlines]

Have you ever had to depose a former marketing director about a fantasy novel they wrote on company time?

She's suing us for $2,000,000 claiming we unlawfully destroyed her intellectual property when we wiped her laptop upon termination.

The problem is our IT department actually backed up the hard drive before the remote wipe per our standard retention policy.

I had the absolute displeasure of reading 450 pages of poorly written vampire romance during document review.

The protagonist is suspiciously named after our CFO and the villain is a very thinly veiled caricature of me.

Her lawyer claims this manuscript constitutes a protected trade secret that we are holding hostage for corporate espionage purposes.

I pointed out that her employment agreement clearly states anything created on company devices belongs to the employer.

I then generously offered to formally waive our ownership rights to her terrible fiction just to make the lawsuit go away.

She immediately refused and said relinquishing the rights proves we know it's going to be a bestseller.

Now I have to sit in a federal courthouse tomorrow and argue about the market value of supernatural erotica.

[Will Revieu @Seeing_Redlines]

I am currently staring at a demand letter from a former account executive asking for $500,000 in emotional distress damages.

He claims constructive dismissal because we switched the office kitchen stock from name brand sparkling water to the generic brand.

His outside counsel seriously wrote a 14 page brief arguing that removing pamplemousse La Croix created a hostile work environment.

I called the opposing lawyer assuming this was a practical joke from a buddy at my old firm.

The guy was dead serious and cited 3 different OSHA guidelines regarding workplace safety.

I had to explain that a lack of premium carbonation doesn't meet the legal threshold for severe and pervasive harassment.

He countered by saying his client has a medical note proving a sudden onset of citrus related trauma.

I offered a $20 grocery store gift card to settle the matter with prejudice.

They rejected it and demanded a formal apology letter signed by our CEO.

I'm drafting a motion to dismiss while wondering if I should just expense a soda maker to prevent future litigation.

[Will Revieu @Seeing_Redlines]

Nothing terrifies me more than an HR director who thinks employment law is just a series of optional guidelines.

I just received a frantic email demanding I approve a new policy docking an hour of pay every time someone uses the restroom for more than 5 minutes.

When I marched down the hall to explain this violates fundamental labor standards, she threw her hands up in frustration.

She told me I'm always looking for reasons to say no instead of being a collaborative partner to the business.

I asked her how she expects me to collaborate on a policy that will instantly trigger a massive Department of Labor audit.

Her counteroffer was to just reclassify our entire full time workforce as independent contractors by 5 PM to bypass the regulations.

I had to gently remind her that printing new business cards doesn't magically alter the legal definition of an employee.

She rolled her eyes and muttered that Legal is basically a brick wall disguised as a department.

I'm locking myself in my office to draft a mandatory compliance training module that everyone will inevitably ignore.

[Will Revieu @Seeing_Redlines]

My favorite part of being General Counsel is finding out about massive corporate acquisitions via LinkedIn.

Our CEO just proudly announced he acquired a boutique AI startup for $5M dollars over the weekend.

He barged into my office and asked me to quickly draft a retroactive term sheet to make his handshake deal official.

I checked the state registry and discovered the startup doesn't actually exist as a registered corporate entity.

When I told him he effectively just wired millions to a random guy's personal checking account, he called me unnecessarily negative.

He insisted I should stop being such a rigid gatekeeper and just incorporate the guy's company myself to make the paperwork match.

I had to explain that backdating corporate formation documents to cover up wire fraud is a felony.

He sighed and said he misses the days before we had a legal department to slow down his vision.

I'm currently pouring my 3rd cup of coffee while I try to unwind an illegal security transfer.