simon 🦦 (elf/shelf)

excellent skipper
disliker of olives, feet

[simon 🦦 (elf/shelf) @SelfLoathingYou]

me verifying on imdb that an actor with one line in a 'king of queens' episode from 2002 was the same actor who said one word in a 'seinfeld' episode from 1994 and that i was of course correct and how there is no transference of this skill in any financially viable way

[Alex @ajak1033]

The Spurs know how to TAKE the lead, they just don't know how to HOLD the lead. And that's really the most important part of the lead: the holding

[simon 🦦 (elf/shelf) @SelfLoathingYou]

the stages of grief would be a good name for an emo festival

[simon 🦦 (elf/shelf) @SelfLoathingYou]

i think we need an A24 reimagining of aladdin. a lovestruck guy slowly slipping into psychosis as a bunch of inanimate objects and animals become his friends and foils. the trailer ends with a close-up of rami malek staring straight ahead going “don’t you dare close your eyes...”

[simon 🦦 (elf/shelf) @SelfLoathingYou]

@SeanFennessey turns out you didn't need to be in europe

[simon 🦦 (elf/shelf) @SelfLoathingYou]

@WorldWideWob chills

[simon 🦦 (elf/shelf) @SelfLoathingYou]

@sammorril i thought alonzo trier was our point guard of the future

[simon 🦦 (elf/shelf) @SelfLoathingYou]

me: [about to fall from a tree] oh crap

rotten branch:

loose branch:

michelle branch: if you want to, i can save you

[simon 🦦 (elf/shelf) @SelfLoathingYou]

@Js_3636 38

[simon 🦦 (elf/shelf) @SelfLoathingYou]

do you think the guy who named the “liquid plummr foaming pipe snake” puts that at the very top of his resume or leaves it off completely?

[simon 🦦 (elf/shelf) @SelfLoathingYou]

📂The Corner
└📁Me
└📁The Spotlight
└📁Me
└📁My Religion
└⚠️ This folder is empty

[simon 🦦 (elf/shelf) @SelfLoathingYou]

@gracecamille_ i love how quickly he’s just like “yeah, fair”

[simon 🦦 (elf/shelf) @SelfLoathingYou]

@boombabybrown i am pleased to tell you that, no, of course not, how could i have?

[simon 🦦 (elf/shelf) @SelfLoathingYou]

maybe today’s the day i complete that form in the safari tab that’s been open for 4 months

[simon 🦦 (elf/shelf) @SelfLoathingYou]

@Billsuntai almost as creative as plagiarising a previously viral tweet, word for word.

[simon 🦦 (elf/shelf) @SelfLoathingYou]

@tedcruz if a cucked hemorrhoid of a droopy flesh suit got the president's dick out of his mouth just long enough to make a decade-old reference as a joke about someone far smarter and more likable on twitter...

[simon 🦦 (elf/shelf) @SelfLoathingYou]

@thegoodprole @lolumOKUR he shoots a gun like the mcdonald’s ceo eats a burger

[simon 🦦 (elf/shelf) @SelfLoathingYou]

@HPbasketball thanks, matt. they’re inconsistent and not without their deficiencies but the number of people i’ve seen say this very good team is not good at all is just silly. it’s not unusual for the knicks, though.

[simon 🦦 (elf/shelf) @SelfLoathingYou]

@SportsSeason_ i hate to tell ya, but the old heads in 1998 also hated this brand of basketball

[simon 🦦 (elf/shelf) @SelfLoathingYou]

i❤️canada @ClubWPTGold

[simon 🦦 (elf/shelf) @SelfLoathingYou]

i've been told most people don't think “i need to go to bed now so that I can be up by 1 pm” as regularly as i do