San Francisco College of Public Medicine

Premier college of public medicine | No faculty in public health but we're doctors, so you can trust us | Not a real college | Parody account

[San Francisco College of Public Medicine @SFCPM1]

Press release: @SFCPM1 faculty ready to declare victory over COVID-19. And this time they really, really mean it. For reals.

[Tim Gill @timgill924]

The employs who quit Twitter tonight should just start a knock-off version called Quitter. Same everything, etc.

[New York Times Education Pitchbot @GreyLadiesNYC]

Twitter Is Imploding Because NYC Kids Had to Wear Masks

By Justin Spiro

[Associate Deans @ass_deans]

Remember we don’t want our students woke, we want them to stay asleep. Their parents are much happier writing checks that way. And the checks are bigger.

[San Francisco College of Public Medicine @SFCPM1]

We stand by our faculty. We are fully* committed to your academic freedom to say or write whatever you want, on any platform, in any public setting.

*Unless it cuts into our revenues. Wait until we run the 💰 on colonoscopies first, k?

[San Francisco College of Public Medicine @SFCPM1]

Coming soon: @SFCPM1 faculty NFT’s! Don’t miss the chance to acquire one-of-a-kind digital property featuring our faculty, offering Personalized Public Medicine advice. Just for you, no one else!
(faculty, now you have another way to pay off loans besides OnlyFans!)

[San Francisco College of Public Medicine @SFCPM1]

To greater support our efforts in advancing equity, access and quality, @SFCPM1 is pleased to announce we are now accepting cryptocurrency! For co-payments, donations, or bribes. Show you believe in the future of Public Medicine.

[San Francisco College of Public Medicine @SFCPM1]

@friendlycovid19 Nothing like a little friendly competition to boost our faculty opportunities for grants, national media interviews, podcasts and Substack revenues!

[San Francisco College of Public Medicine @SFCPM1]

@friendlycovid19 Since our Public Medicine experts have repeatedly compared you two, we suspect the flu is feeling a bit of imposter syndrome.

[Associate Deans @ass_deans]

This institution will stand for any principle - the First Amendment, Academic Freedom - so long as doing so doesn’t threaten our state appropriation. Or our major gifts.

[Associate Deans @ass_deans]

The best thing about external searches for administrators is that no one realizes how evil the new deans are until after they arrive.

[San Francisco College of Public Medicine @SFCPM1]

Coming up: Farewell Friday! To celebrate the end of the pandemic, we’re giving all non-clinical employees the day off. Chill, cheer on socials, write your Substack or book your next media gig!

*sorry, not you, clinical staff- there’s💰to be made!

[San Francisco College of Public Medicine @SFCPM1]

You’re welcome, POTUS! 👍🏼

[San Francisco College of Public Medicine @SFCPM1]

Press release: @SFCPM1 faculty ready to declare victory over COVID-19. And this time they really, really mean it. For reals.

[San Francisco College of Public Medicine @SFCPM1]

@NeoliberalSnow #winning but also #losing

[Reuters Pitchbot (Satire) @ReutersPitchbot]

President Biden declares the COVID-19 pandemic to be over for the third time this year

[San Francisco College of Public Medicine @SFCPM1]

Our Public Medicine experts firmly support the rights of mermaids of all races. We have no data but are highly confident that mermaid-humans converts have no need to wear masks. It’s how they can best become Part of Our World.

[San Francisco College of Public Medicine @SFCPM1]

Research update: Through multiple n of 1 trials, our faculty show how scientific accuracy can be decoupled from national media prominence. 👏

[San Francisco College of Public Medicine @SFCPM1]

Announcing:Promising early results in trials for personalized reptilian enzyme-based therapies using novel gene expression algorithms for treatment of long COVID. Our partners are working on gel, patch, and yes, oil formulations.

[San Francisco College of Public Medicine @SFCPM1]

@SFCPM1 we believe it’s important to provide expertise drawn from our experiences in San Francisco. We know not everyone can have nice things, but we do. Showing the public the best you can aspire to - no matter how unattainable- that’s leadership.

[San Francisco College of Public Medicine @SFCPM1]

@friendlycovid19 Omg so many studies, like so many. And that’s not even counting the potential RCTs.

[San Francisco College of Public Medicine @SFCPM1]

@SFCPM1 strongly rejects the accusation that our Public Medicine experts’ opinions are motivated by money- being right when everyone else is wrong is the greatest reward in itself.