You've seen the meme: one opossum eats 5,000 ticks a season. Unfortunately, it's wrong.
When researchers dissected the stomachs of 32 wild opossums, they found zero ticks. The number came from a single lab study that got stretched into folklore, and it still gets repeated everywhere.
But the opossum doesn't need the lie. It's the only marsupial in North America. It cleans up carrion, rotting fruit, slugs, snails, and the rodents you'd rather not have around. It eats copperheads and rattlesnakes, because it's immune to their venom. And it almost never carries rabies, since its body runs too cool for the virus to take hold.
So when one waddles through the yard at night, you're not looking at a pest, you're looking at the cleanup crew that works for free.
Things most Americans agree on:
Groceries cost too much.
Tariffs suck and make no sense.
Congress and Presidents shouldn’t trade stocks.
The debt is a mess.
The border should be secure, but legal immigration is good.
Endless wars are stupid, especially ones that nobody wants and have never been explained.
Americans are exhausted.
AI is like my new best friend that also might be trying to take my job, my ability to think for myself, and my humanity in the process. Yo like I love you, but WTF, but I still love you.
Diversity is actually awesome! The opposite is boring AF.
Canadians are super fucking cool.
Mexicans are chill.
Putin isn’t a good guy looking out for America’s best interest. Rocky IV and Miracle are great movies.
Good neighbors are a blessing.
Freedom of religion and coexistence without having to blow each other up is probably a good idea.
We all question, are we alone in the universe?
We all fuck up along the way.
Epstein didn’t hang himself.
The Trumps and Epstein were best friends for decades. It’s like Bert trying to tell us Ernie was just an acquaintance in the same social scene on Sesame Street back in the day.
The Cowboys suck. Go Birds!
Things we’re told to fight about:
Me.
Laptop.
Vaccines.
Transgenders in sports.
Pronouns.
That’s the joke.
Women: I want to go for a run.
Society: You can't go alone. You'll get raped.
Women: I want to walk to my car in the parking garage.
Society: Alone? You better get someone to escort you, or you'll get raped.
Women: I want to live alone.
Society: You need a gun, an alarm system, a dog and probably a gun for the dog too.
Women: What about going to the park?
Society: Dangerous.
Women: Okay, I'll just go out for a drink then.
Society: Don't take your eyes off your drink. Watch out for predators spiking your drinks. Stay alert at all times.
Women: I was raped.
Society: Are you sure? That just seems impossible.
@mmpadellan And somewhere Pete Hegseth is drunkenly anger-masturbating, watching himself cry in front of the mirror at the same time while screaming "I'm the WAR SECRETARY, DAMMIT!".
@NotHoodlum Guess I'd better tell my 82 year old mother-in-law with dementia that she and the other folks in the nursing home should start perusing the help wanted ads.
@mmpadellan How are all his MAGA pedo worshipers going to afford to pay off their victims now? Didn't their orange daddy promise them he'd take good care of them?
@Georgesantos@jared_shult@isaiahrmartin Yeah, I'm sure it's some soy boy keeping you up at night, but it's not the country you're concerned with him taking over, amirite?
@BenStiller@cmclymer@cmclymer Love ya, doll, but I feel it's the Knicks' time to shine. It's the year of the underdogs so I believe they'll take the spotlight and pull out a win. Go Knicks!