Shit My Friends Say

fuck you, I’m a woman.

[Shit My Friends Say @Shitty_Quotes_]

Coworker 1: “The orange sodas are 10 bucks?! Why?!”

Coworker 2: “Cause I know you aren’t sucking dick for them.”

#shittyquotes #ShitMyFriendsSay #orangesoda

[Shit My Friends Say @Shitty_Quotes_]

“I’m gonna kill this RC car with my mind.” — Fiancé playing the new COD

#ShitMyFriendsSay #shittyquotes #callofduty

[Shit My Friends Say @Shitty_Quotes_]

*in the group chat talking about the election*

“Trump can suck a fart out of my ass and ch*ke.”

#PresidentialElection2020 #shittyquotes #ShitMyFriendsSay

[Shit My Friends Say @Shitty_Quotes_]

“Just realized that all the My Hero ships that I really pull for are straight.

I have failed as a bisexual.”

#MyHeroAcademia #shittyquotes #ShitMyFriendsSay

[Shit My Friends Say @Shitty_Quotes_]

“[Friend One], I’m sending your fiancé pictures of my pussyyyy.”

The picture of his pussy:

#CatsOfTwitter #shittyquotes #ShitMyFriendsSay

[Shit My Friends Say @Shitty_Quotes_]

*Forcing my friend to watch my favorite Disney video from when I was little*

Him, watching Mickey Mouse shoot fire from his fingers: “They call me Clout God Mickey.”

#Disney #ShitMyFriendsSay #shittyquotes

[Shit My Friends Say @Shitty_Quotes_]

*Playing Jackbox games with six of my friends, currently making jokes*

My traumatized ass:

#gamenight #ShitMyFriendsSay #Quarantine

[Shit My Friends Say @Shitty_Quotes_]

“Quarantine day 11: I’ve now resorted to laying in the street, hoping I get run over.”

#coronavirus #Quarantine #shitmyfriendssay

[Shit My Friends Say @Shitty_Quotes_]

Fiancé: *grabs boob* I’m a cup holder!

#shitmyfriendssay #shittyquotes #boobs

[Shit My Friends Say @Shitty_Quotes_]

“Do you think that Edward ever ate out Bella on her period as a snack?”

“But they didn’t have sex until they got married and she IMMEDIATELY got pregnant— he had no chance.”

“Oh...that’s right. I still think it happened.”

#twilight #fantheories #ShittyQuotes #ShitMyFriendsSay

[Shit My Friends Say @Shitty_Quotes_]

“Is it weird that I can’t feel my skin?” -Friend who’s gotten high for the third time

#HighThoughts #ShitMyFriendsSay #shittyquotes

[Shit My Friends Say @Shitty_Quotes_]

“I think my ADD kicked in...just got a little burst of energy.”

#ADD #ShitMyFriendsSay #shittyquotes

[Shit My Friends Say @Shitty_Quotes_]

Fiancé, speaking in a high-pitched voice: “There’s a rainbow on the road!”

Friend, in an equally high-pitched voice: “Oh my god!*returns to normal voice* It’s fuckin’ oillll!”

#rainbow #ShitMyFriendsSay #shittyquotes

[Shit My Friends Say @Shitty_Quotes_]

“You’re like, perma-Goth. It’s like being perma-high...but goth.”

#HighThoughts #shittyquotes #ShitMyFriendsSay

[Shit My Friends Say @Shitty_Quotes_]

Friend 1: *reciting Liam Neeson’s entire “Very Particular Set of Skills” quote from Taken*

Friend 2: “How do you know that? Why do you have that memorized??”

Friend 1: “Remember— I’m a theater minor.”

#liamneeson #shittyquotes #ShitMyFriendsSay

[Shit My Friends Say @Shitty_Quotes_]

“Do you think if I jumped out this window they’d chop me up in the wood chipper??”

#collegelife #ShitMyFriendsSay #shittyquotes

[Shit My Friends Say @Shitty_Quotes_]

My roommate walking in from the monsoon outside, sighing: “I’m never wet in a good way.”

[Shit My Friends Say @Shitty_Quotes_]

“No, no— you are Fribble wasted right now. You are chocolate wasted and need to stop.”

#friendlys #shittyquotes #ShitMyFriendsSay

[Shit My Friends Say @Shitty_Quotes_]

“Those kids need to get more fat like me. I use the water I have reserved in mah boobs.”

#shittyquotes #ShitMyFriendsSay #manboobs

[Shit My Friends Say @Shitty_Quotes_]

Boyfriend, talking in a Batman voice: “My parents taught me a different lesson— that I’m a lonely sack of shit.”

#ShitMyFriendsSay #shittyquotes #batman