Simon Nielson

"Simon does for academia what Colonel Sanders did for chickens" - The Guardian 2022

[Simon Nielson @Simon_Nielson]

If you watch an entire series of The Apprentice backwards, it’s about a disgruntled magical talking walnut’s quest to assemble a handpicked team of Britain’s leading self-obsessed, disillusioned, narcissistic snowflakes.

[Simon Nielson @Simon_Nielson]

Convince people you are a successful Youtuber by holding your phone above your head, saying "hey guys" and then talking utter nonsense for the next 15 minutes

[Simon Nielson @Simon_Nielson]

A packet of Roast Ox Monster Munch and a packet of Scampi Fries in a bowl of milk makes for a delicious "Surf 'n' Turf" breakfast cereal.

[Simon Nielson @Simon_Nielson]

Office workers. Pretend you're playing doubles tennis by touching a colleague's fingers every time you send an email.

[Simon Nielson @Simon_Nielson]

Snooker players. Don’t listen to that song. If you pot the red and screw back for the yellow, green, brown, blue, pink and black, you’ll incur a four-point foul after the second shot.

[Simon Nielson @Simon_Nielson]

My therapist: "So, Simon, what's on your mind?"

Me: "What if we spend, like, our whole lives NOT believing in ghosts... just to become a ghost that we desperately want, like, someone to, like, believe in?"

My therapist: [scheduling their own appointment with another therapist]

[Simon Nielson @Simon_Nielson]

Downing Street Press Secretary: "Ladies and gentlemen, we have time for just one more question"
Me: [stands up and shouts] "Why isn’t a daddy moth called a fath?"
MI5 Secret Operative: [grabbing me by the arm] "Again?? Ok, come with me, Sir"

[Simon Nielson @Simon_Nielson]

A shark could swim faster than my mate Dave, but he could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would likely all come down to who was the better cyclist.

[Simon Nielson @Simon_Nielson]

Me: [dabbing my homie’s forehead with a damp towel] "Once your fever breaks we’ll get some lovely homemade chicken soup in you. You know, the one you like with crunchy croutons. But after that... I really need to boost a ride and bounce, blood"

[Simon Nielson @Simon_Nielson]

Me: "isn’t this great??"
Wife: "not really"
Me: [looks down from the top bunk] "what’s wrong?"

[Simon Nielson @Simon_Nielson]

My wife: [pretends to answer her phone] "Hello? Oh hi Michaelangelo...can he come and hang out with you and the other turtles? I dunno, he hasn't taken the bins out yet"
Me: [dragging bags outside as fast as I can] "I did it!"

[Simon Nielson @Simon_Nielson]

I think I'll be ok until the dentists go on strike.

Then I'll have to brace myself...

Brace myself.

BRACE myself.

Get it?

C'moooonnnnn!

[Simon Nielson @Simon_Nielson]

Clock tower maintainence workers as well?

They're gong on strike?

Well, it's about high time!

BANG. Come on. That ones got to be worth a smirk...

[Simon Nielson @Simon_Nielson]

What about the locksmiths? If they went on strike would they refuse to picket?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA anybody?

...anybody?

Ok, I'll get my coat...

[Simon Nielson @Simon_Nielson]

What happens if the parsley pickers go out on strike?

Their wages would get garnished!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

...I'm here all week

[Simon Nielson @Simon_Nielson]

Wife: he keeps buying expensive items to use for lame prop jokes

Therapist: and is this something you are working to improve on?

Me: *clutching my brand new calculator to chest* don't count on it

[Simon Nielson @Simon_Nielson]

Mysterious old lady: [sucking air in through gritted teeth and shaking her head as she flips the tarot card over revealing a screaming bloke who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into some live power lines] "uh oohhhh"
Me: "er... so, is that good?"

[Simon Nielson @Simon_Nielson]

Uh oh. My wife has just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best "husbanding" to the living room for a review

[Simon Nielson @Simon_Nielson]

Me: Can I have a go on the hedge now?

Hedgehog: No

[Simon Nielson @Simon_Nielson]

My wife told me to stop singing Wonderwall.

I said maaaaaaaaybeeeeeeeeeee.

(I'm back!)