Sarah Ranney

contributor @reductress / writer @killingmylobster / comedian / art director / therapy graduate

[Sarah Ranney @Snarq]

Depression is like an onion—it smells weird, makes you cry uncontrollably, and its most powerful form can be found at an Outback Steakhouse.

[Sarah Ranney @Snarq]

This merch just got so much funnier

[✨Molly Sanchez ✨ @SeriousMolly]

Trader Joe’s selling peonies for $10 is the girl’s girl version of $1.50 Costco hot dogs.

[Sarah Ranney @Snarq]

Your success is not their failure unless you’re an athlete ofc

[Sarah Ranney @Snarq]

Men love to wear a hoodie with a big sports brand logo on it.

[Sarah Ranney @Snarq]

Whenever my bf takes a photo of me it's like wow do you even think I'm pretty??

[Sarah Ranney @Snarq]

I don't want kids for the same reason I don't want a Hummer–they're expensive, bad for the environment, and honestly not that cute.

[Sarah Ranney @Snarq]

@Glitter_Rock @eicarttracie @katemicucci @CrissieC @chelseahandler @VaGyver @sixfootcandy @Weirdonian @rgrantz @MsRedWriting @CarrieKeagan @RiotGrlErin @MomofTeen @unfortunatalie @ChiChiGreenblat @VickieComedy @eveewing 🙏🙏🙏

[Sarah Ranney @Snarq]

I graduated from therapy and I think you should be allowed to put that on your resume.

[Sarah Ranney @Snarq]

It’s tragic that as soon as I’m finally hot enough to cast on reality tv, I’m also too emotionally healthy.

[Sarah Ranney @Snarq]

Everyone’s a socialist til the powerball hits a billion.

[Sarah Ranney @Snarq]

If I’m reparenting myself I should get all the benefits of a working mother—a flexible schedule, extra paid time off, a closet where I can be alone and take my tiddies out.

[Sarah Ranney @Snarq]

Why does the haha iMessage reaction feel so sarcastic?

[Sarah Ranney @Snarq]

I’m dating a developer which is so hot bc I’ve always wanted someone to write me an app

[Sarah Ranney @Snarq]

Do I really like my esthetician or are we trauma bonded?

[Sarah Ranney @Snarq]

Going to the car wash is great if you ever wanted to microdose a hurricane.

[Sarah Ranney @Snarq]

Bout to manifest my dream home by squatting in my Airbnb.

[Sarah Ranney @Snarq]

@4evrmalone Get ice cream at Bi-Rite and go to Dolores Park on Saturday for people watching. Look for the rum coconut guy. Walk down Valencia in The Mission. Lots of cute shops. Stop by Clarion Alley for some cool murals.

[Sarah Ranney @Snarq]

Kalamata was my gateway olive.

[Sarah Ranney @Snarq]

I’m sorry to tell you but dogs with blue eyes look haunted.

[Sarah Ranney @Snarq]

The relationship I have with my shoes is so toxic. I love them even though they hurt me.