Honest FortuneCookie

[Honest FortuneCookie @SnideCookie]

Cooking skills are irrelevant in today's society. Still, yours are a joke.

[Honest FortuneCookie @SnideCookie]

A lot of murderers get away scott free. Just saying.

[Honest FortuneCookie @SnideCookie]

You're high school friends stalk the shit out of your social media.

[Honest FortuneCookie @SnideCookie]

A little nutrition wouldn't kill you.

[Honest FortuneCookie @SnideCookie]

You're going to be totally oblivious to the next big fashion trend.

[Honest FortuneCookie @SnideCookie]

Your friends love taking care of your drunk ass. Not.

[Honest FortuneCookie @SnideCookie]

Just a word of advice: wipe the toilet seat before you sit down.

[Honest FortuneCookie @SnideCookie]

Beware of unexpected phone repairs in your future.

[Honest FortuneCookie @SnideCookie]

Sure, Chipotle serves rice, but not fortune cookies. So fuck 'em.

[Honest FortuneCookie @SnideCookie]

No, you're not Lindsey Graham.

[Honest FortuneCookie @SnideCookie]

Never try to pay your bills whilst on psychedelic mushrooms.

[Honest FortuneCookie @SnideCookie]

If I were you I would wash my hands a bit more.

[Honest FortuneCookie @SnideCookie]

Voting is probably a waste of your time. Not that you're stupid or anything...

[Honest FortuneCookie @SnideCookie]

Does Cajun food give you crazy gas?

[Honest FortuneCookie @SnideCookie]

It's time for a round of tequila shots.

[Honest FortuneCookie @SnideCookie]

Don't you think your hair looks kinda shitty?

[Honest FortuneCookie @SnideCookie]

Ask your friends if they can spell 'urethra'

[Honest FortuneCookie @SnideCookie]

It's time you ask your girlfriend's parents if they do cocaine.

[Honest FortuneCookie @SnideCookie]

Try to keep things in perspective. Sure, you're not starving, but nobody wants you on the cover of a magazine any time soon.

[Honest FortuneCookie @SnideCookie]

You're showing too much skin.