Spaztique

Nerd humor, gaming streams, writing, media theory, and the occasional serious subject. | CURRENTLY: Taking a detour and reading up on philosophy and history

[Spaztique @Spaztique]

Until I can get an actual page or site up for Touhou fanwork resources, everyone is welcome to read my TouhouFest 2023 guide to fanworks. It’s mostly up-to-date (I’ve learned a little more since then, but you’re not missing much), so give it a read: https://t.co/6Ki4Qnn2u5

[Spaztique @Spaztique]

In fact, looks like so many people joined at once that it crashed their site. 😮

And it’s only gonna get crazier as this site deteriorates: can’t wait until X removes people’s ability to post at this rate.

[Spaztique @Spaztique]

Doot doot doo, just gonna leave this here.

(And again, name is still Spaztique over there, doing Horror Talk posts for October.)

[Bluesky @bluesky]

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https://t.co/x6v5YW0WFT

[Spaztique @Spaztique]

@Poisonedzero I think it’s because people who are too positive look detached from real problems and unsympathetic towards those who have them. And worse, as soon as they encounter real problems themselves, they fold like a wet napkin.

I can personally vouch they’re unaware how they come off.

[AroeVeIa @aroevela]

東方文花帖　～ Shoot the Ayayaya📸📸

[Spaztique @Spaztique]

Reporter: Oh! There’s been a development! Former congressman, disbarred lawyer, and head of the Brigade of American Anti-Wokeness Workshop, or BAAWW, Hegg Yolkel has been arrested on charges for the sexual trafficking of underage boys. BAAWW will divert its funds for his defense.

[Spaztique @Spaztique]

Burt: For Channel 5 and 1/2 News, I’m Burt Nerny.
Host: Thanks Burt. It’s so sad to hear these sensitive snowflakes need warnings on their games just because they give you the option to play as a girl. Personally, I love customizing my character as my waifu. 🤤 Up next, weather!

[Spaztique @Spaztique]

Burt: For now, gamers will have to do their own research if they have a wokeness sensitivity: many curated sites have trigger warnings for those afraid of wokeness, as well as guides for what they should/shouldn’t be angry about, as the definition of woke is constantly changing.

[Spaztique @Spaztique]

Burt: We tried to relay the message to Mr. Hegg Yolkel of BAAWW, but he flew into a blinding rage upon finding out the ESBR spokeswoman was, well, a woman, triggering Yolkel’s sensitive condition to wokeness. Sadly, there are many more like Mr. Yolkel who share his vulnerability.

[Spaztique @Spaztique]

Burt: So, I noticed a lot of games from Japan seem to be exceptions. Why?
Hegg: Because Japan is superior to American culture! As I was saying (continues reading list), games in which America is treated as inferior to any other culture? Woke!
Burt: 😵‍💫

[Spaztique @Spaztique]

ESRB Spokeswoman: We are still very confused about what qualifies as “woke,” especially when the BAAWW has made so many exceptions to Japanese games, but we will do our best to ensure we don’t trigger these extremely sensitive individuals with woke content, whatever that may be.

[Spaztique @Spaztique]

ESRB Spokeswoman: A rating of 9-10 is “extremely woke,” and this includes games where the protagonist is a non-white/male/straight character, there are languages other than American English unless the game is natively Japanese, and there is complex grey-vs-gray morality.

[Spaztique @Spaztique]

ESRB Spokeswoman: A rating of 1-2 would mean anti-woke, but very few games qualify. 3-5 means “mildly woke,” with basic accessibility options, a character maker, and themes involving basic human empathy. 6-8 means “explicitly woke,” featuring non-white/male/straight characters.

[Spaztique @Spaztique]

ESRB Spokeswoman: We are still trying to workshop a “wokeness” rating to protect people sensitive to “woke.” We wondered if those afraid of wokeness would need a trigger warning, but that would just be ironic. So far, we have a scale from 1-10, with the average game around a 4…

[Spaztique @Spaztique]

Burt: But there still may be hope for the “Woke Games Commission”: they might be absorbed into Entertainment Software Ratings Board, or ESRB, where games will be rated on a scale of wokeness. A spokeswoman for the ERSB had the following to say…

[Spaztique @Spaztique]

Burt (narrating): For obvious reasons, this makes work for the “Woke Games Commission” very difficult.
A. White-Guy: There’s only so much we can do. If all a game developer has to do is add difficulty settings or a protagonist who doesn’t racial slurs to be “woke,” what do we do?

[Spaztique @Spaztique]

Burt (narrating): Yolkel went on like this for hours, even as our camera crew became increasingly uncomfortable.
Hegg: Bad guy has a change of heart? Unless it’s a game from Japan, woke! Sex scene where the woman takes control? Unless it’s a game from Japan, also woke!

[Spaztique @Spaztique]

Burt (narrating): Mr. Yolkel then showed us the 481-page document regarding what makes a game “woke.”
Hegg: Options for the colorblind? Woke! Warnings against violence? Woke! Subtitles for a game already in English? Woke! Depictions of rainbows in any context? Woke!

[Spaztique @Spaztique]

Hegg: These games are poisoning the minds of children! They’re the reason for why we don’t have prayer in schools, which as we all know leads to school shootings and cross-dressing! We have to censor games for the children!
Burt: What games do you play?
Hegg: I don’t play games.

[Spaztique @Spaztique]

*shots of angry protestors*
Burt: But these standards, surprisingly, did not come out of thin air. These standards were collectively developed by the “Brigade of Angry American Anti-Wokeness Workshop,” or “BAAWW,” headed by former congressman and disbarred lawyer Hegg Yolkel.

[Spaztique @Spaztique]

Worker 2: A lot of our jobs are at risk. I’m working on a fighting game with a character maker, and just by having a custom skin color slider, it’s automatically woke.
Worker 3: Some don’t even make sense. If this game’s in Japanese? Somehow, not woke. But a Spanish dub? Woke. 🤨