Friend: Why is your bathroom light purple.
Me: That's the shrimp setting.
Friend: The WHAT.
Me: The shrimp setting.
Friend: There should never be a sentence like that in a normal apartment.
Me: It calms them down.
Friend: WHO IS "THEM."
pause
tiny bubbling sound from bathroom
Friend: Why is your bathtub making aquarium noises.
Me: Okay before you panic,
Friend: THERE ARE LIVE SHRIMP IN YOUR TUB?!
Me: They're temporary guests.
Friend: You have CRUSTACEAN TENANTS.
Me: Their tank filter broke.
Friend: So your solution was "bathtub commune."
Me: They're actually thriving.
Friend: One of them just looked at me with intent.
Me: That's Marcus.
Friend: WHY DOES THE SHRIMP HAVE A NAME.
Me: Because he survived The Incident.
Friend: I'm scared to ask.
Me: Costco parking lot. July 2024. We lost good men.
Friend: THEY'RE SHRIMP.
Me: You don't understand war.