Stephen William Mott

Si quaeris peninsulam amoenam circumspice

[Stephen William Mott @StephenWMott]

If I can't spot the best looking guy in the room, I can only assume I am him.

[Stephen William Mott @StephenWMott]

I got yeld at because my wife was trying to get our son back to sleep and I thought it was the best time to open palm pet his face. #Sleepystephen

[Stephen William Mott @StephenWMott]

The only thing that kinda stinks about being a parent is playing the same game every day called “Is that poop? The scratch and sniff edition”

[Stephen William Mott @StephenWMott]

So everyone is planning to go to Area 51 but you know some guy named Gregory is gonna tell his mom and get us all in trouble first.

[Stephen William Mott @StephenWMott]

@AskTarget

[Stephen William Mott @StephenWMott]

Found an amazing deal @Target yesterday, was so excited to pick up the patio set today. Oh but it was sold instead to someone else. Maybe it’s best to go elsewhere

[Stephen William Mott @StephenWMott]

@AskTarget

[Stephen William Mott @StephenWMott]

“Good news, bad news. I found out what happened to the item you had on hold. We sold it.” Still waiting on the good news. @Target

[Stephen William Mott @StephenWMott]

My wife and I preordered a year supply of butt wipes. I can’t wait to be living a life of complete luxury.

[Stephen William Mott @StephenWMott]

When your friends walk down the isle to the office theme song it solidifies your friendship for life. Just sayin.

[Stephen William Mott @StephenWMott]

I sat up out of a cold sleep and told my wife “ I’m just just trying to get my life together”. When she asked me what I said I repeated it and then went back to bed. #sleepystephen

[Jake @Jaker0n]

You’re not tired. You’re just bored.

[Stephen William Mott @StephenWMott]

I thought it was a great idea to throw a pillow and knock over a full glass of cold brew. #sleepystephen

[Stephen William Mott @StephenWMott]

It’s always fun being at a bar alone and just having to pretend that I care whatever sports game is on.

[Stephen William Mott @StephenWMott]

With this whole Snapchat gender swap filter I kinda want to create a secret twitter account as my female self, Stephanie. Stephanie is one of those girls that can out drink any guy in the bar, is proud of her body’s curves, and just wants taco bell and a cuddle.

[Stephen William Mott @StephenWMott]

If anyone else is in Royal Oak waiting for a group of drunk women from a bachelorette party to text you and come get them, let me know. We can grab a beer.

[Stephen William Mott @StephenWMott]

I have nothing against setting a couple alarms to ensure you get up but sweet Jesus, my wife will have alarms set for what seems like 2am so she can get up to her real alarm at 7. I love her but sometimes my perfect hearing feels like a curse. #sleepystephen

[Stephen William Mott @StephenWMott]

I don’t like when waiters judge me. When I say two orders of egg rolls I don’t need you to tell me how many come in an order. I know what I’m doing.

[Stephen William Mott @StephenWMott]

Pretty sure my wife is the only person who went to see Avengers and played candy crush during it.

[Stephen William Mott @StephenWMott]

This mornings soundtrack.

[Stephen William Mott @StephenWMott]

My wife is talking about a jungle gym for our future kids but I’m still trying to figure out a place for my future hot tub.