PhotosByeAlysse

I forget a lot of things for self preservation, laziness, and the fact that I ingest a lot of medical grade marijuana. Cats also distract me and that is nice!

[PhotosByeAlysse @StewartAlysse]

#ThisLooksLikeAdick

[wxalertbot @wxalertbot]

We will be doing a live stream tonight to discuss the dangerous arctic air and major winter storm expected for the south. Stream starts at 7:00pm CT.

Stream Link: https://t.co/uPV8R6xOKp

[PhotosByeAlysse @StewartAlysse]

NASRAP #2 - 2nd in a Pair Of Parodies https://t.co/HtT2AmZ4i0 via @YouTube

Hey, I assume you are all very busy. But this shit is hilarious IF you are a #NASCARfan #NASRAP

@NASCAR @Team_Penske @AustinCindric @Blaney @joeylogano

[PhotosByeAlysse @StewartAlysse]

NASRAP - NASCAR Cover/Rap https://t.co/NYZB6fxdRZ via @YouTube

[PhotosByeAlysse @StewartAlysse]

@Team_Penske @shellracingus @Pennzoil @MenardsRacing @WURTH_USA @Blaney @AustinCindric @joeylogano Baking it down, pulling it back, then pushing it in. That’s sounds super necessary!

[PhotosByeAlysse @StewartAlysse]

Me - *says something sassy.*

Mom - Shouldn’t you stop drinking?

Me - “WE RAN OUT PF BEERS HOURS AGO AND THAT IS WHEN I STOPPING DRINKING!”

Mom - “Okay. Drink water.”

Me - “We are out of that also. Shop better next time.”

[PhotosByeAlysse @StewartAlysse]

Me *watching football* - “He let the stupid shaped brown ball go. Of course the other team was gonna grab it.”

Sister - “Shh, we don’t make fun of your sport!”

Me -“It is sports and yes you do!!”

Sister - “Oh, sorry.”

[PhotosByeAlysse @StewartAlysse]

Me - my favorite driver won!
Sister - who?
Me - @joeylogano
Her - I forget why ai don’t like him.
Me - You’re drunk and I can keep that from changing. *refills drink* any other notes for improvement?
Her - *long ass list*
Me - Here is pot. Please shut up!

[PhotosByeAlysse @StewartAlysse]

@ConwayShow Tom Green’s “The Bum Bum Song”

https://t.co/8vSzlm9obQ

Not really though. Just the 1st funny one to plop into my brain! Especially since this made it to #1 and Tom was all, “this needs to stop.” Then Carson pulled it and “real” music videos took the spotlight. Again!

[PhotosByeAlysse @StewartAlysse]

Back in 2006 I abstained from the internet to stop spoilers for the “Final” Harry Potter Book release in 2007. Impressive⚡️

Today I have a thing and I will NOT be able to watch the @NASCAR race live. AGAIN I avoid the world wide web! But for only like 4 hours. Less impressive 🤓

[PhotosByeAlysse @StewartAlysse]

-Let’s do something 2day!
-I do not exist on Sundays
-What?
-I watch NASCAR
-I can join you!
-Who’s your favorite driver?
-Umm, Jeff Gordon?
-Your favorite ACTIVE driver?
-Umm
-No you may not watch the race with me.
-But why?!
-Cause I will be too compelled to explain EVERYTHING!

[PhotosByeAlysse @StewartAlysse]

New Friend - You can come in but you have to be quiet

Me - Oh… no thank you then

Friend - It’s just for 5 minutes

Me - Hard pass on the volume request. Respectfully.

Friend - Do you want me to get you when we are done?

Me - I love you and yes, that will be best! 🤓 #iAmLOUD

[PhotosByeAlysse @StewartAlysse]

Funny (to me) things I said yesterday:

Re-playing the race we JUST saw?! Lazy cocks! (Takes a needed angry nap).

Sop yourself up you silly slut (kinda directed at myself but mainly at the racetrack).

Running her till she’s dry huh? Yeah, I’ve done that too @joeylogano ❣️😎👍

[PhotosByeAlysse @StewartAlysse]

Happy B-Day @elonmusk

I’d rather see your truck suspended spinning atop a ceiling that is very high with lights pointed at it like a DISCO BALL than buy it.

That is a compliment, let me explain:

iHave never wanted to buy a motor vehicle. It just kinda happens for me❣️🛻🚫🪩😘

[PhotosByeAlysse @StewartAlysse]

People (not me) say, “Never meet your hero's!”

Well, @steve-o was never a hero of mine so zero regrets meeting him! Here is an endearing interaction:

Me - What’s it like satisfying a room that size?
Mr. O - I don’t know. I just want everyone to have a good time.
Me - Nice…

[PhotosByeAlysse @StewartAlysse]

@iowaspeedway @Blaney @NASCAR @Team_Penske There is no place like home 🌈🥇

[PhotosByeAlysse @StewartAlysse]

Me driving my father as he was drunk:

Dad - I have always loved you.

Me - That’s nice I love you too!

Dad - I didn’t start to like you until you could do things for me.

Me - This is recent then?

Dad - …

15 year old me was offended. 34 year old me finds this hilarious! 🤭

[PhotosByeAlysse @StewartAlysse]

@joeylogano @RaceSonoma @Team_Penske @AutoTrader_com @FordPerformance @CocaColaRacing @NASCAR Only pictures of your car looking pretty polished then? I thought that patch job was nice! I used to hide my dirty side too.

[PhotosByeAlysse @StewartAlysse]

It is super inappropriate to point out a persons penis. I know this.

But, if they feel the need to specify what is about to come out of where then I will play along too.

[PhotosByeAlysse @StewartAlysse]

iNEVER understood, “I am going to take a shit.” Wouldn’t you leave it?!

Also I tell men to, “use your penis!” When they tell me they need to pee.

When women need a potty I just go with them ‘cause if there isn’t a line we will make one. That’s the rules! We don’t know why.🧐yet

[PhotosByeAlysse @StewartAlysse]

@StewartHaasRcng @Overstock @joshberry @ChaseBriscoe_14 @RyanPreece_ The whole team is overstocked!… And that is an insensitive observation.

[PhotosByeAlysse @StewartAlysse]

If you claim someone else’s fart in yoga class by apologizing then two things will happen:

1) Everyone will laugh!
2) The actual flatulator will be relieved. Twice!

#FartsAreFunnyButShartsAreSerious
#IfYouAreShartingYourPants
#GetNewPants
#ConsultYourDoctor 💩💨