Stone Cold Daddy

To know my kids is to know that the term vasectomy is my love language.

[Stone Cold Daddy @Stonecolddaddy_]

"Daddy, I want mommy" is the new "Let me speak to your fucking manager."

[Stone Cold Daddy @Stonecolddaddy_]

If you continue to screw up in the school drop off line, I will continue to call the police station and tell them all the horrible things a person with your vehicle's license plate did to me.

[Stone Cold Daddy @Stonecolddaddy_]

I smile and wave to non-existent people in the distance to avoid eye contact and interactions with other parents and teachers at school events.

[Stone Cold Daddy @Stonecolddaddy_]

Sorry I'm late....my local grocery store moved the location of the udon noodles.

[Stone Cold Daddy @Stonecolddaddy_]

I have a Spotify playlist of songs I sing in my head while I'm pretending to listen to my kids telling me a story.

[Stone Cold Daddy @Stonecolddaddy_]

When I apologize to my kids, I always apologize twice. One for them and one for me to make up for some of the ones I didn't get growing up.

[Ghostface Kryllah @kryzazzy]

I can always tell if someone is mad at me by making it up in my head and believing it

[Ghostface Kryllah @kryzazzy]

Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash

[Stone Cold Daddy @Stonecolddaddy_]

Loving your child means watching them suck at soccer for an hour in sh**ty weather and then acting as if you didn't just watch them suck at soccer for an hour in sh**ty weather during the ride home.

[Stone Cold Daddy @Stonecolddaddy_]

If you see me laughing at a funeral, it's because at my father's funeral the priest dropped the incense burner on top of my father's casket. He caught it after it bounced off the casket, but not before he sent me into a silent, teary laughter. Funerals are harder now.

[Stone Cold Daddy @Stonecolddaddy_]

Marriage is "I said that 10 minutes ago" devolving into a TED talk about that time you forgot something else that you forgot about forgetting.

[Stone Cold Daddy @Stonecolddaddy_]

There are morning people and there are "Good Morning" people. I am neither.

[Stone Cold Daddy @Stonecolddaddy_]

45 years later, and you mfs never did tell me how to actually get to Sesame Street.

[Stone Cold Daddy @Stonecolddaddy_]

I'm now old enough to realize why Al Bundy never shut up about his four touchdowns in one game.

[Ghostface Kryllah @kryzazzy]

I think I used to be a people person but I have to say that people really ruined that for me

[Stone Cold Daddy @Stonecolddaddy_]

Maturing is realizing that your parents may have been the worst drivers you've ever been in a vehicle with.

[Count Dankula @CountDankulaTV]

The Afroman Trial.

-Cops raid Afromans house for bullshit reasons.
-Steal money, break his door, fuck his house up.
-No criminality found whatsoever, no charges at all pressed on Afroman.
-Afroman spends the next 3 years making songs that make fun of all the officers involved by name, even using footage of the raid from his own CCTV cameras.
-Songs had titles like "Randy Walters is a son of a bitch" and "Lick Em Low Lisa" accusing one of the officers of being a lesbian and sleeping with the other officers wives.
-During the raid one officer looked like he was about to eat some lemon pound cake sitting on Afromans counter, Afroman made a whole album calling the officer fat.
-The cops get mad and file a lawsuit for defamation.
-Afroman turns up to court in a whole American flag suit.
-Officers performatively mald and cry while listening to the songs really trying to oversell how badly the songs upset them.
-One officer was suing because Afroman made a whole song about him saying he was fucking the officers wife. When the officer was asked if Afroman was really fucking his wife, he said "I don't know". Nuking his own case and establishing that there is a non-zero chance that Afroman might actually be fucking his wife.
-As his only witness for the trial, Afroman brought a deputies EX FUCKING WIFE.
-The jury ruled completely in favour of Afroman.

This entire thing has been a great win for free speech and absolutely fucking hilarious.

[Stone Cold Daddy @Stonecolddaddy_]

As a kid, the men in my life taught me a lot about becoming a man. As an adult, the WOMEN in my life taught me a lot about BEING a man.

[Stone Cold Daddy @Stonecolddaddy_]

My child: Daddy,

Me: No.

[Stone Cold Daddy @Stonecolddaddy_]

Bought a small tree for the rest of my family to decorate while I handle decorating the main tree, because fuck these kids, this is my Alamo.

[Stone Cold Daddy @Stonecolddaddy_]

"When I said dinner, I meant we'd be having sex......and when I said movie, I meant we'd be videotaping."

-Leon Phelps