Stormont Secrets

Inside gossip from the Northern Ireland Assembly. May not be true.

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When @ConallMcD was a kid people used to cover him in cream and put a cherry on his head. It was tough being brought up in the gateau.

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While in London last night MP Nigel Dodds jumped on the tube. Fucking toothpaste everywhere.

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Advice from Sammy Wilson: "When entering a nudist beach remember the first few days are the hardest." He should know.

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Sometimes Jim Allister shaves one of his legs so that when he gets into bed it feels like he's sleeping next to a woman.

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"What's the opposite of realise?" asked Peter Robinson. "Glass eyes," replied an advisor.

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The Culture Minister went to the art gallery today and saw some still life. Belfast City Council workmen were on a job outside.

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Health Minister Edwin Poots was reading a book about surgical procedures until he realised some idiot had removed the appendix.

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Wee Barry McElduff is confident of bagging an Oscar next year for his movie, The Fartist. He says the film is "silent, but deadly."

[Stormont Secrets @StormontSecrets]

Following a sexist joke Sammy Wilson made the other day the Feminist Society now has his address. Fortunately none of them can read a map.

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Margaret Ritchie given four E's and LSD last night.
What a shit start to Stormont's Annual Scrabble Competition for her.

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Anger in the Stormont toilet as Sammy Wilson realises just three squares of toilet paper remain.

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Alex Attwood has defended rising cremation costs and blamed it on the cost of living.

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David McNarry has written and published - without the help of anyone else - a book about independence.

[Stormont Secrets @StormontSecrets]

Talk about red tape. Culture, Leisure and Arts Minister refusing to shout about National Librarian Day. She wants to keep it quiet.

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Jim Allister is such a lamper that not even Siri on his iPhone 4s or Stephen Nolan will speak to him.

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Sammy going fucking ape, says he just had an unrealistic dinner at CGI Fridays in the Odyssey. 15 special advisers sacked just like that.

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Peter Robinson and Martin McGuinness are living proof that two half-wits don't make a wit.

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Blackout in the office of the First and Deputy First Minister just as Eamonn Mallie appeared on UTV. They were fucking delighted.

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Martina Anderson has been on an etiquette course run by Aerosmith. They told her to walk this way, talk this way.

[Stormont Secrets @StormontSecrets]

Danny Kennedy wants to get a power-gate for his drive. But with gate power comes gate responsibility.