StuffScottSays

My husband says some weird shit.

[StuffScottSays @StuffScottSays1]

“I just invented something called Pontius Pilates. It’s when the instructor makes you do so many sit-ups that you puke and then washes his hands to absolve himself.”

[StuffScottSays @StuffScottSays1]

“Buy me a Ryder Cup t-shirt for your birthday?”

[StuffScottSays @StuffScottSays1]

“I’m a contributor to The Atlantic. I pissed in it once.”

[StuffScottSays @StuffScottSays1]

“I’m better at everything than everyone.”

[StuffScottSays @StuffScottSays1]

“I wrote a movie in my head last night when I couldn’t sleep. But then it quickly changed into public policy. Wanna hear it?”

[StuffScottSays @StuffScottSays1]

“Could you imagine if your parents were a centaur and a mermaid and they got together and made you and you were just a human?”

[StuffScottSays @StuffScottSays1]

“I could win an Emmy, if I just put my mind to it.”

[StuffScottSays @StuffScottSays1]

“Do you know what I love to do when I go on vacation? Pack a toothbrush and pretend I’m going to brush my teeth while I’m there.”

[StuffScottSays @StuffScottSays1]

“When I burp it sounds like an Uruk-hai about to take over the Hobbit.”

[StuffScottSays @StuffScottSays1]

“Do you think Gaston has a big hogger or do you think he’s trying to make up for something with his muscles?”

[StuffScottSays @StuffScottSays1]

“I don’t really like my back hair but it’s growing on me.”

[StuffScottSays @StuffScottSays1]

“Thank god for wife-cancelling headphones.”

[StuffScottSays @StuffScottSays1]

“I heard that Natalie Portmanteau took her briefcase to brunch at the motel to livestream her podcast.”

[StuffScottSays @StuffScottSays1]

“If anyone in my house ever uses the term ‘figgy pudding’ I’m outta here.”

[StuffScottSays @StuffScottSays1]

“Kids did you know that Jack Nicklaus, Tiger Woods and I have a combined 11 green jackets?”

[StuffScottSays @StuffScottSays1]

“I wish they made pepperoni cereal.”

[StuffScottSays @StuffScottSays1]

“Baby when I think of you I use the small holes on a cheese grater. Because it’s so fine.”

[StuffScottSays @StuffScottSays1]

you could buy one. I had the bowling balls for a few years. And then I shot them at my mom’s house. I exploded them. And you can ask Chris about that."

[StuffScottSays @StuffScottSays1]

"Did I ever tell you I found two bowling balls on the side of the road in separate places within a week of each other? It was the greatest week of my life. I was in college. We did street bowling with them. Then we dropped them onto

[StuffScottSays @StuffScottSays1]

one of those trampoline mattresses from the second story of our apartment and they got launched. You can ask Joe about it. It was awesome. It’s not every day you get a bowling ball you know. I mean I guess