Sam

Do some good @

[Sam @SufficientCharm]

Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.

[Sam @SufficientCharm]

@TheLastKentauri

[Stewnami @stewnami]

I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.

[Nicki 🫧🪷 @nickimoraa]

It's always "you have ADHD" and never "thank you for telling me 14 stories in 3 mins"

[Sam @SufficientCharm]

@dadopotamus

[Sam @SufficientCharm]

@DoctorFacepalm

[parks @parkersity_9]

Hacker : I have all your passwords

Me : OMG thank you what are they

[Mayor P and 11 others retweeted 3 of your tweets. @punmagnate]

@egg_dog if she chases me with a knife that means she gave me the runs, right

[Mayor P and 11 others retweeted 3 of your tweets. @punmagnate]

WIFE: the dog just pooped in a perfect circle
ME: o shit

[Hustlanani @hustlanani]

Sorry I can’t come my clothes look stupid on me

[The Flounder Pounder @Amiigat]

You can trust me.

I'm from the Internet.

[krimbo @fuckasparagus]

pomegranate lowkey just fruity corn

[Hadas Weiss @weiss_hadas]

your secret is safe with me unless it’s funny

[PUNS @ThePunnyWorld]

I normally knock on the fridge door before I open it.

Just in case there’s a salad dressing

[Lurkin' Mom @LurkAtHomeMom]

Buying a planner is so much more fun than actually using it.

[Enguerrand VII de Coucy @ingelramdecoucy]

I cleaned out the roller in my vacuum and I don’t understand how my wife isn’t bald by now

[Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes]

Cars these days have too many gadgets.

I tried to reverse, and it played a video of somebody getting run over by a car.

[mariana Z @mariana057]

I love the phrase "bear with me" because it can either mean "be patient" or "the zoo heist was a success"

[Ghostface Kryllah @kryzazzy]

Please don’t talk me if your hoodie strings are uneven

[Miss Ally @MissAlly_01]

I run every day for 20 minutes & if I miss a day, I add 20 minutes to the next day. This has truly been a game changer. Tomorrow, I'm supposed to run for 4 months.