Sam Bevill

sex is illegal and so is having a different opinion than me

[Sam Bevill @SuppliesAndFish]

asked a girl for her number and she said something like 8186971234 and I was like excuse me miss I asked for your NUMBER, singular, just one freaking number. I was born in the wrong generation!! (I'm kidding guys she just said no)

[Sam Bevill @SuppliesAndFish]

@StephenKing This is Ginger, Thing of Gluttony, my ride or die: Shits like a CHAMP and uses those little legs of hers like a BILLY GOAT. She's taught herself to open sliding doors and sends Molly ounces of CorgiCogency. Be well, Mr. King.

[Sam Bevill @SuppliesAndFish]

@lambriniyes omg I've been fucking dying to try them

[Sam Bevill @SuppliesAndFish]

@BeschlossDC oh unless you mean that one republican

[Sam Bevill @SuppliesAndFish]

@BeschlossDC Meadows don't know how to even talk you fucking idiot. what next, my mom's garden? fuck off

[Sam Bevill @SuppliesAndFish]

boy if this Jesus fella fucks you as hard as God likes to then I guess I get why everyone loves him so much

[Sam Bevill @SuppliesAndFish]

I got into dire straits and sassed my therapist for the first time today so... when do I get a bigger penis?

[Sam Bevill @SuppliesAndFish]

Ah yes yes last night i also rescued a woman from being kidnapped, i take her off the horse’s ass and set her down, i press O to UNTIE HER and i fucking CURB-STOMPED HER. AND MY HONOR IS IMMACULATE SO I HAD TO SLAY ALL THE WITNESSES. FUCK

[Sam Bevill @SuppliesAndFish]

It’s kinda insane how much utter chaos you can cause if your finger slips playing red dead 2. I just reached max bonding with my best horse and my damned THUMB slips and what do you know?? I FUCKING PUNCHED MY HORSE

[Sam Bevill @SuppliesAndFish]

Really thought this one would take off

[Sam Bevill @SuppliesAndFish]

Big fan of lumbar support

[Sam Bevill @SuppliesAndFish]

I truthfully do NOT remember writing any of this! Huh! Sorry!

[Sam Bevill @SuppliesAndFish]

Kamala Harris just stole my pets and said, “that’s Trump attitude,” and shot me in the vertebrae that paralyzes the human body. I’m paralyzed and have no pets. I’m not a trump supporter, I can assure you. But looks like Kamala is being extra careful #queen

[Sam Bevill @SuppliesAndFish]

I had a nightmare last night about the gun Alec Baldwin used to accidentally kill someone…. Does that mean it was me? Does the world just think it was Alec Baldwin? Is this hell? Oh my god

[Sam Bevill @SuppliesAndFish]

@CiscoWisco Thanks cisco

[Sam Bevill @SuppliesAndFish]

Nobody tells you that greasing your door hinges and destroying that dastardly squeeeeeek once and for all makes you feel like God. Cut it out, those of you who are dumb fucking murderers!! I’ve found the ULTIMATE thrill

[Sam Bevill @SuppliesAndFish]

Guess everyone in read dead 2 are anti-vaxers. Every time I go into a city with a mask on I’m hunted down and killed by the law. Literally fuck the pigs

[Sam Bevill @SuppliesAndFish]

I wish I could remember what the fuck I’ve been dreaming lately because this morning was the THIRD time this month I’ve half-woken up, yelled “FUCK YOU,” and gone right back to sleep. Who is my dream beef with????

[Sam Bevill @SuppliesAndFish]

Just remembering now that I got drunk and sang jizz in my pants by the lonely island at a karaoke bar in front of an audience of only old people. I wonder if there will be consequences

[Sam Bevill @SuppliesAndFish]

Just matched with Gavin Newsom on tinder ��

[Sam Bevill @SuppliesAndFish]

@lambriniyes Death penalty