Jessica Ptachick

Life is better with a tan.

[Jessica Ptachick @Tach32]

I would have so much more respect for Gen Z’s if they got off SnapChat and started getting in poke wars on Facebook!

[Jessica Ptachick @Tach32]

I can’t be trusted to grocery shop without a list. I can remember all the mean things said to me in 3rd grade but I can’t remember cottage cheese!! #groceryfail

[Jessica Ptachick @Tach32]

“Even though I have a very feminine demeanor I am in fact not a woman. Well you taste like a woman!” ANNDDD we’re back! #lynlakebrewery

[Jessica Ptachick @Tach32]

It’s 10 am on a Saturday and I’m in line waiting for Half Price Books to open. What has my life become!?

[Jessica Ptachick @Tach32]

6/5 - Vegas -> Stephen Berg 40!
6/6 - Vegas $$
6/7 - 6:00 am PT flight out of Vegas -> 1:00 pm CT blow out 💇🏽‍♀️ -> 3:30 pm CT Lindholm Wedding 💒
6/8 - 4:00 pm Grad Party

Let’s have a weekend boys and girls!

[Jessica Ptachick @Tach32]

Word to the wise - don’t squat and sneeze with a full bladder #closecall #accidentwaitingtohhappen

[Jessica Ptachick @Tach32]

I peaked in college and ever since I have just been tumbling down the backside of the mountain hitting every rock and shrub on the way down. Really hoping I land on a plateau so I can peak again!

[Jessica Ptachick @Tach32]

She was drunk? I thought she had Alzheimer’s. She asked me the same question 5 times!

[Jessica Ptachick @Tach32]

Anyone else look at one of their old bras and think she’s seen some things. She’s a survivor? … Just me? Cool cool!

[Jessica Ptachick @Tach32]

Adulting: Spent $23.55 on a cord for my diffuser just to see if it’s broken or not #worthit

[Jessica Ptachick @Tach32]

Respectfully… Eat brick Matt Stafford. #fantasyflop

[Jessica Ptachick @Tach32]

I get pissed every time Kevin doesn’t eat the mac and cheese! Are we supposed to believe he pulled all that off on an empty stomach? #idontthinkso #homealone #wetbandits #whythehellyoudressedlikeachicken

[Jessica Ptachick @Tach32]

I got called hot Justin tonight.

[Jessica Ptachick @Tach32]

Stannis Baratheon is such a BOOB!

[Jessica Ptachick @Tach32]

I have been up since 5 am. Threw up in a gas station parking lot. I’m in no mood to listen to small talk in this VERY long gas station bathroom line. Stephanie! And the lint roller is right there in front of your face!!

[Jessica Ptachick @Tach32]

Sometimes you leave your dignity at the bar and sometimes you leave it at the bottom of a bowl of ramen noodles!

[Jessica Ptachick @Tach32]

The last two times I had a walking taco at the X it did not go well … third times a charm? #gambling

[Jessica Ptachick @Tach32]

If your baby has to be in a bjorn then they shouldn’t be at a concert #hipsters

[Jessica Ptachick @Tach32]

Gotta love a casual dryer fire at the laundromat #sundayscaries

[Jessica Ptachick @Tach32]

My Uber driver is wearing a suit and gloves. Think I’m about to be in a Baby Driver situation and I’m here for it!